Ten Tips for New Moms

It's Monday again, and you know what that means! Time to link up with NorthWest Mommy for Monday Listicles. If you're not addicted already, check out the Monday Listicles movement. Get a writing prompt each week and treat it however you like. Couldn't be more fun!

It's a particularly exciting link up for me today, because I got to choose this week's topic: Ten Tips for New Moms! In case you missed it, you can read all about my rationale for choosing this topic in my post from last week, Guilty Pleasures. (Thanks to Jacqui of Chicktuition for suggesting last week's topic.)

I'm also linking up with Love Links. Join the community and meet some new blogging friends. Link up your favourite post from the week. If you like my post, you can visit Love Links to vote for me.

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Before I get to my listicle for this week, have you heard the news? Since you all know and love Stasha B, I thought you'd want to be in on it. Stasha recently ran a contest to give away one of her limited edition, signed prints as a thank-you to her fans for encouraging her to launch her new photography business. We all know how talented she is and we're all very excited that she's finally taken the plunge! Well, guess who won the contest? Yup. ME!!!! Take a look at what I won!

Thanks so much, Stasha! It's a stunning photo and it's going to look fantastic on my wall. Visit Stasha's new website, Stasha B. Photography to check out her latest creations.

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Now on to this week's Listicle.

I expected this post to be a funny, lighthearted look at motherhood, rather than the more serious and emotional piece it turned out to be. I have many crazy anecdotes from my own mishaps as a new mother that I thought I might share, but for whatever reason, this post just didn't go that way. I'll save those stories for another time: perhaps a post entitled, My Ten Biggest F*Ups Since Becoming a Mom. How will I limit myself to just ten?

Ten Tips for New Moms

1) Labour and Delivery. Let's start at the beginning shall we? You're pregnant. You're full of joy and the promise of a perfect life with your perfect new family. You and hubby have worked out the perfect birthing plan, attended Lamaze classes so you will know how to breathe through the pain, and packed your bag with all of the comforts you will need for your transition from this stage to the next beautiful stage of your transformation into motherhood.

Here's the thing. Things never go according to plan. Plans are great - guidelines - wish lists, is really what they are. You will be disappointed if you expect things to go entirely the way you want them to. Hope for the best, but be prepared for alternatives. One way or another, the baby will come out, and that is all that will matter in the end. When you hold that little bundle in your arms, the unimportant details of how he or she arrived will melt away.

My experience: The breathing lessons were completely useless as I went from no contractions to contractions 2 minutes apart, instantly. I brought a bag to the hospital packed full of things to aid in my "comfort" during labour and delivery, but never used any of it. When we arrived at the hospital we left the bag in the car and once in labour I couldn't let go of my husband's arms long enough for him to go and get it. The only thing I desperately needed from that bag was an elastic band to keep my sweaty hair out of my face! I resisted the drugs, as per "the plan" but just barely and mostly due to circumstance (I couldn't stand the nitrous oxide, I kept telling the epidural guys to "Go away! Wait come back! Nevermind, go away!" and the baby came really quickly). In the end, all that matters is the beautiful boy I now have in my life.

2) Nursing. So you want to nurse your baby exclusively, for at least four years? That is a respectable goal, to be sure. Mine was to nurse exclusively for 2 years. But, once again, life has a way of messing with our plans. Accept ahead of time that there are certain things that are beyond your control. Despite your best efforts, nursing may be difficult for you as it is for many, if not all, moms at least some of the time. This is NOT cause for shame. It is NORMAL. We are told that breastfeeding is the most natural thing we can do as women, so we expect it to just work. In reality, breastfeeding is HARD WORK! We are told all sorts of things about how and when we should nurse our babies, how and when to introduce a bottle, if ever. Wait and see. Breathe. Listen to your heart. Do what feels right to you and what works for the unique pairing of mother and child.

My experience: I wanted to nurse exclusively and did, for fourteen months. It nearly killed me. My son had acid reflux and nursed every 1-2 hours (which meant that I slept never more than one hour at a time) until we finally sorted out what was wrong and got him on the right medication - 5 months later. I listened to advice to not give him a bottle for 6 weeks to avoid so-called "nipple confusion". After that, my son would not take a bottle. No confusion, but still no rest for mom! If I had a second, I swore, he would have one bottle a day right from the start so that someone else could feed the baby and I could have a rest. I had many other nursing struggles along the way and almost quit several times. I finally stopped nursing when it seemed that Jack was less dependent on it, and when my body told me it had had enough. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to nurse my child, but would never suggest that there is a right way to do so or even that nursing is necessary. Yes, it has benefits, but probably way more important is a healthy, happy and connected mom.

3) Sleep. Ugh. We parents torment ourselves for years over the quality of our children's sleep. Scheduled naps and bed times. Sleep training: 'cry-it-out' methods have us alternately feeling we are giving our children the gift of a lifetime of healthy sleep habits and crying our eyes out thinking we are the cruelest parents ever. Try not to lose your mind. Try not to hate your partner, if you have one to deal with, when he or she unwittingly undermines your sleep plan. Be patient with him or her - they are learning too. Stay strong. Be persistent, but be forgiving with yourself and your child. Whatever sleep goals make sense to you, trust your judgement, give them a try. Don't be too hard on yourself if it's not easy or if you decide it's not working and you need a new plan. There is never anything wrong with changing course. In fact, as true as it may seem to you that change is the only constant, you've never experienced how true this is until becoming a mother. Get ready to go with the flow!

My experience: I am not a good sleeper. This obviously affected my decisions with respect to setting up my son's sleep habits. His first five months (with acid reflux and trouble sleeping) had an affect as well. It was important to me that he learn to sleep on his own. Ideally, he would also be able to sleep through noise. We were, despite teasing and, in some cases, judgement from others, very strict with Jack's bed time. Unlike other parents who kept their kids up until midnight so that they could attend weddings and other events, we put Jack to bed at the same time every night without exception. We felt that sleep was that important. We used a cry-it-out method as it was needed, a few times over the course of his first 3 years. It always worked pretty well. It was always very hard to do. Our son is a pretty good sleeper. We're not as strict anymore on very special occasions, but if he's late to bed it's only by an hour or two. We don't feel that he has missed out on anything as a result.

Sleep is another topic that could fill several posts. Whatever sleep problems you run into, know that there is a solution. There is a way to correct anything that goes wrong. Stay educated about sleep concerns and you'll be just fine.

4) Food. Double ugh! You will spend a ridiculous amount of your time preparing food and then shoveling it into the garbage when your baby, and then child, refuses to eat it. It will make you cry at least once. Breathe. This too shall pass. Not slowly, but it will. Over the years, if you are patient, your child will learn to enjoy what food is put in front of him or her. Resist the urge to be a short order cook! Resist the urge to feel you are a failure because your child will not eat broccoli. Your baby will eat if hungry and will, over the course of the week, if you are serving a variety of healthy foods, get all the nutrients he or she needs. This is your new mantra - repeat after me: I, as a parent, decide when and what my child will eat. My child decides if and how much he or she will eat.


My experience: I made all of my baby's first foods from scratch. I recognize this is not for everyone, especially moms who head back to work or have multiple kids or multiple demands on their time. It was, for me, relatively easy and made me feel good about controlling the type and quality of food my child was getting, I used good quality, organic food and still, I think, saved money. As time went on, I tried to expose my child to a variety of foods and flavours. I still try to use good quality food at home an to buy little or no processed food. This is a topic that I could dedicate several posts to. Tomorrow I will discuss a tiny aspect of the problem of getting kids to eat what's good for them.

5) Milestones. Milestones are both joyous to behold and the source of much anxiety for many parents. Know this, new mama. When your doctor tells you that your baby is just fine, it's really true. Your little Joey may not be crawling yet while many of his peers are. He may not be the crawling type. He may just stand up and walk one day. Sally may not be able to colour between the lines until she is five or six. You know what? That's okay! Every child develops differently. Each one has different interests. Encourage your child's interests. Gently help them to experience new things and learn new skills. Recognize your child's efforts and be proud of her accomplishments. Resist the temptation to compare your child to others her age.

My experience: I have been in situations, even with beloved family members, where when speaking about one of my child's interests (for example, noting that my son loves activity books as he plows through one at a family dinner), I have had to endure lectures about what my child should and shouldn't be doing, what appropriate development and learning is for his age, and so on. Someone might simply note something my child is doing and talk about how their child/neice/grandchild/etc can do that only better. I have seen moms shrink in size as some other mom bragged about their child in a way meant to make other children seem slow to develop. Moms, I implore you. Be proud of your children AND other children too. They are all beautiful creatures who will, if we get out of their way, grow up to be brilliant at any number of things they choose.

6) School. As your child gets a little older, you'll face such important questions as, Should I enroll my child in Gymboree? Should he go to preschool? Which one? What about language? Does my child need to be in french or spanish immersion? Most moms agree some form of socialization is good for kids. Yours might get it at home. As to which school, which subjects and what's important for your child to be exposed to? That's a very personal choice. Respect your choices. Trust your instincts about what's best for your child and be okay with it. It absolutely does not matter what anyone else does. Period.

My experience: I did the Gymboree thing for a while, and took Jack to some programs at our local rec centre. It kept him active and that was necessary for his sanity and mine. As an only child, I think he benefited from being around other kids. He is now in preschool. One that he loves to attend. One that embraces play. It didn't matter to me to have him in the best preschool to prepare him scholastically for kindergarten and beyond. I'm still debating which school he will go to, but my priorities at this age will lean more toward where he will be happiest (things like being close to home and friends will be factors) rather than where he will get the best education. A good public school will likely be good enough. (As an aside, this is a difficult decision where I live as we have a ridiculous number of choices when it comes to type of school.)

7) Bad behaviour. Along with socialization, and simply being a toddler or preschooler, comes bad behaviour: defiance, hitting, kicking, name-calling, screaming, whining, running away, not listening, not cooperating... the list has the potential to go on and on. Please don't be too hard on yourself when your perfect angel starts to do bad things. It does not make her a bad kid. It does not make you a bad parent. Into each life a little poop must fall, and as the parent of a toddler or preschooler you will shovel your fair share. Just clean it up and get some good advice on how to avoid stepping in any more of it.

My experience: You may have heard me mention my willful child in the past. I don't know where he gets it from (ahem), but it's a challenge to deal with. Just when I have one problem sorted a new one rears it's ugly head. It's tiring. I knew it would be this way too. I remember him kicking the bejeebers out of me in utero and thinking, This kid is going to be trouble. But I also knew that meant he would be a critical thinker, and that if I could just keep calm and support him he'd do really well in life. I knew it would be tough, and I quickly learned it would be tougher to do on my own. Which brings me to my next two tips...

8) Get educated! Knowledge is power. When you are feeling overwhelmed, remember that whatever you are experiencing many women before you have also experienced. Take advantage of courses offered to new moms. Many may be offered for free through your health region. Check out the multitude of books available through your library on a range of topics related to bringing up baby: some of the ones we just talked about, such as sleep and feeding. Subscribe to newsletters that offer tips and information about child development, where to get help when you need it, recipes, local family-friendly resources and events... whatever will make your life easier! Motherhood will be your hardest and most rewarding job ever. Don't be afraid to use the training manuals!

My experience: I met a group of moms when Jack was 3 1/2 months old through my local health region. We attended a course together that offered advice to new moms on all things related to keeping baby healthy. This combined with an information booklet offered by my health region were valuable resources for me. I also subscribed to babycenter.com for tips on supporting my child's development. If free information and advice was made available to me, I took it! I didn't necessarily follow everything I read or was told, but I made sure I had plenty of information to make informed decisions.

9) Get help! There is no shame in it. In fact, it's one of the smartest things you can do. Find someone in your life, a group of new moms or an organization you trust and use them! Ask them for help, and offer your help whenever you can. As a new mom you will see that one of your best resources is the huge network of fabulous moms out there, both the ones with kids your age and the ones who have been where you are about to go. Don't be afraid to make new connections. Many of these moms will become life-long friends.

My experience: Remember that group of moms I mentioned, the ones I met when Jack was just a tiny babe? We're still very good friends. We all met for weekly playgroups for several years. We still manage a few playgroup get-togethers, though our children are moving in different directions now. Somehow we manage to find time for each other still. We have each been powerful resources for one another. Simply knowing there were others close by that were going through the same things I was going through gave me a great deal of strength to survive some very tough days.

I've mentioned a company called Parenting Power on my blog before. These professionals have offered me invaluable advice when I needed it most. Very empowering. It helps to put the problem in perspective, remove blame from the situation, and quickly move to a workable solution. If you can find an organization like this one in your area, I say, Take advantage of it! Motherhood is at the same time highly rewarding and potentially very stressful. Anything that helps to tip the balance toward the benefits of the rewards and away from the stress of the trials is an investment well made, in my opinion.

10) My final tip to you, new mom, is to love yourself. You will spend most of your time worrying if you are doing the right thing, caring for your family and doing the best you can to care for yourself so that you can continue to care for your family. YOU ARE what they need. YOU ARE who they love. No matter your state. No matter your ability. No matter that all you have to offer your child today is celery and a hunk of cheese. Tomorrow is another day. Do the best you can with what you have today. You love your family. YOU ARE part of that family. Love yourself.

Please know that there is no right way to raise a child. There is only what feels right to you. Educate yourself, yes. Seek advice from friends who have been there, YES! Then, decide what is best for your family.

Be okay.

Everything will be okay.

xo

Me

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Repetition is Good for Kids: Books for Babies and Toddlers

Kids love repetition, and it's good for them. As parents, reading the same story over and over again might get to be a little boring, but we do our kids a disservice if we force them to read something different thinking it will expand their minds (and keep our own from turning to mush).

According to the February 2011 Frontiers in Psychology article, "Get the story straight: contextual repetition promotes word learning from storybooks", children who read the same stories repeatedly are more likely to increase their vocabulary as a result. In the study, 3-year-olds were either read the same story three times or were read three different stories. Each story contained the same novel (made up) words. Children who heard the same story over and over learned the novel words and retained the words over the long term, thus increasing their vocabulary, whereas the kids who were read the three different stories did not.

In addition to allowing your kids to choose the same book night after night and reading it to him two or three or four times in a row some days, you can choose books that are written to emphasize repetition.

For suggested books that use repetition, visit Cookie's Book Club.

How long should you nurse your child?

I read a brief article this morning on the stigma associated with nursing a toddler, and it took me back in time. I nursed Jack until he was 14 months old. He was such a mature looking baby - lots of hair on that kid - that people always guessed he was much older. Even though I stopped nursing at 14 months, most people thought I was nursing a two-year-old. I got some really interesting looks. Some people looked disgusted. Others would look at my child, then look up at my face as if there were some clues there. These people were confused. Why was I still nursing my child?

The only reason I stopped nursing at 14 months is because I needed my body back. I had started to experience some things that told me that my health was beginning to suffer, and I knew that nutrition-wise Jack didn't need it anymore. He was drinking mostly cow's milk by then anyway, nursing only in the morning and at night. Still, it was difficult to stop nursing. Jack clearly still valued the closeness and security that is part of the nursing experience. And my goal had been to nurse until he was two years old. Why until he was two? Looking back on it, for no good reason.

The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends nursing exclusively for the first six months and continuing to nurse until the child is at least two years old. There is some support for these recommendations, but they are somewhat arbitrary also. A child is probably as well off as any other if he nurses only for a few months, or nurses in combination with formula, and certainly there are countless examples of kids fed formula exclusively that lead normal healthy lives. Consider too how unhealthy it may be for a baby to be in the care of a completely stressed out mother who is trying to do it all right! There is quite a bit of pressure to meet the WHO standards. Most of us feel we've succeeded if we make it six-months. If we are unable to for any number of reasons, it can make us feel that we have failed.

Nursing is not as easy as we all assume it should be. I remember being pregnant and just assuming that nursing my baby would be the easy part. Other moms I have talked to have expressed the same feelings. They were surprised at how hard it was. Many times I nearly stopped nursing because the challenges were many, but I carried on, probably propelled by a sense of duty. New moms hear all about the joys and benefits of nursing, but what they also need to hear is that challenges are normal and common and that baby will be just fine if not breastfed. A rested, happy and available parent has to be of far greater value than a continued struggle to provide breast milk. For more on this issue, read this post about the pressure to breastfeed.

I nursed exclusively, and it near killed me. I listened to the advice warning against giving my baby a bottle before he was six weeks old, in order to avoid the so-called nipple confusion. Could we not have come up with a more ridiculous name for what sometimes happens when young babies are given bottles or pacifiers? I avoided bottles and soothers for six weeks, and then found that my son would not take one no matter what we tried. Jack suffered from acid reflux and fed every hour or two for months. Needless to say, I slept very little during that time. If I were to have a second child I would ignore this advice, recognizing it for what it is - a battle cry of The Breast is Best Brigade and nothing more, something to keep in mind if things go wrong, but not a working principle. I would have someone else give my child a bottle at least once every day very early on. The baby's dad could be involved. Why should he be left out of the early feeding experience?

Returning to the original question, how long should you nurse your child? It seems to me that the healthiest option is the one that suits the individual baby and mother best. If the WHO recommends nursing for two years and beyond, why then are people so put off by the practice? We moms feel like failures for nursing less than two years and we feel like pariahs if we do nurse that long or longer. There's no way to win this one.

Once you become a parent you are automatically entered into a world of judgement. Other parents, and non-parents too, will cast judgement on your parenting decisions and will have no problem telling you what they would have done differently. Probably we've all done it ourselves. Since there's no way to please everyone anyway, why not do what's best for you and your child? Trust your gut. Do what brings you and your baby the most joy, while doing the best you can nutritionally. Find like-minded moms to share your experience with. The support is priceless (see my post A special thank-you to my friends) And just breathe!

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NOTE: As always, my ramblings should not be substituted for the advice of a professional. If you are struggling or have questions about feeding your baby there are many doctors, nurses and support organizations that can help. Talk to your local health region for recommendations.

Sleep Solutions: Getting up too early

I've had a few requests to post about the issue of sleep, or the lack thereof. Arguably the biggest problem that parents of babies and young children face is how to get their kids enough sleep, and how to get enough sleep themselves. If the kids aren't sleeping, the parents aren't either.

Retrieved March 27, 2011 from http://hilltownfamilies.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/bobnar-19/

Just look at this peaceful face: it's every parent's dream! There are a multitude of ways that our families can be robbed of sleep. Today I'm going to talk about the problem of waking too early.

One thing that we have struggled with is helping Jack to stay in his room until 7:00 am. The light outside changes week after week and it's hard for little kids to know when it's time to get up. Particularly if they are using the bathroom now, their bodies often wake them up early. They'll get up and go to the bathroom - this is a good thing! - but then have trouble getting themselves settled again.

The only way that I can think of to help Jack settle back to sleep is to remind him that even though his body wakes him up in the middle of the night, he can still go back to bed and get some more sleep. He doesn't have to stay up once he gets up. Ultimately though, I have no control over whether he goes back to sleep or not. That's his choice.

What I can do is help him to know when he can come out of his room and start his day with me. Around here that happens at 7:00, so all I have to do is help him to know when that is. He has a clock on the wall in his room and he's learning how to use it. It's typically dark in his room though, so he can't easily read his analog clock in the early hours of the morning.

One idea is to give your child a digital alarm clock. If you decide to go this route, the experts at Parenting Power suggest you cover up the extra two digits. That way your child will see only the change that you want them to see, for example from 6 am to 7 am, and not be distracted by the other numbers that don't mean much to them right now. We've decided against the digital alarm clock because we don't want to bombard our son with neon light throughout his sleep, and because frankly I find most alarm clocks to be offensive. I hate being woken up by some beep, clang or other annoying sound. I do have an alarm clock, but it's one of those lovely ones that wakes you up slowly with light.

But back to Jack. What we DID do that has worked like a charm, is to buy him this product: Good Nite Lite. This handy little nightlight has a moon setting for nighttime and a sun setting for the morning. You can, if you wish, leave the moon on all night. I find it to be too bright, even at its dimmed setting. We set the PM time for the moon light to one minute before the AM time for the sun light. The moon lights up at 6:59, and the Sun lights up at 7:00.

This product is not perfect. I'd rather it had the option for the moon to not come on at all, or to have it stay on at a much lower light level. Even dimmed it is brighter than most night lights. I'd also rather the sun didn't stay on as long as it does - I think it stays lit up for two hours which seems unnecessary to me as light from the window has spilled into the room long before then. I've mentioned these things to the owner of the company. Perhaps a future version will be more customizable.

Despite these minor annoyances, we have found it to work consistently well. We have told Jack, and he now knows, that he is to stay in his room until the sun comes on. Once the sun lights up, he can come out of his room (he can also leave to go to the bathroom at any time but knows to go right back to his room when he is done). Every day - for something like a year now - he has come out of his room in the morning saying cheerfully, "The sun is out! It's time to get up!" I don't even need an alarm anymore, unless I want to get anything done in which case I need to get up an hour earlier than Jack.... but that's another post.

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Please note that my ramblings should not be substituted for the advice of a professional - I am only qualified to speak about my experiences with my son - however, I do hope that reading about what we have done is of some help to you. Sleep well!