Acceptance for Positive Change - or - Stop Nagging Already!

Today, I accepted the fact that I am a nag. I nag my son all morning long, beginning with light nags like "It's time to get dressed now" and "Don't forget to turn off the light in your bedroom." Eventually, no matter how many nags I issue, we are behind schedule and in our last five minutes the nags are coming fast and furious. "You've got x, y, and z still to do and you've got two minutes to do them in." "We need to be out the door in one minute." "We're late!" "RUN!!!"

Not only does this stress mama out, it creates a tension between junior and I that I don't like. After all, we only have this short hour of togetherness before he's gone to school all day. I also don't want the start to his day to be stressful. My constant reminders about what he has to do and when he has to do it also relieve him of any responsibility for anything. He knows I am watching the clock, so why should he? He knows I'll remind him if he forgets something, so why listen the first time?

Today, I decided to take responsibility for what I was doing, instead of blaming him for what he was not doing. Today was day one of my son's new life as a responsible six-and-a-half-year-old. This morning, he was responsible for everything, including keeping track of the time and what he had to get done. He has a watch and he can read it. He knows the morning routine. Guess what? We made it to the bus on time. Yes, we had to sprint, but we made it. No stress and a light workout. Awesome.

Have a responsible day! :)

Sue

Play Time: "Name Something Real!"

I'd like to share with you a new, highly entertaining and educational game, invented by the master himself. 

Here are the rules, as best as I can tell.

Name Something Real

1. Name something, as directed, that is real. Pretty much anything qualifies as long as it exists in real life. You may be asked to name something "in the whole world" or something "in the whole house". DO NOT deviate from these restrictions, else you will have to start again (apparently that is a very, very bad thing). Four-year-olds are nothing if not dramatic.

2. Define said real thing. You have three chances to come up with the correct definition.

3. When providing potential guesses as to the definition of the thing, be as silly as possible. Tapping your head and saying "think, think, think" a la Whinnie the Pooh will earn you bonus giggles.

My Heart Belongs to You, Little One

I'm linking up today with Bianca of Bits of Bee for her new Quotable Bits link up. Come on and join the fun!

Today I am preparing to register my son - my baby - for Kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! Sigh.

Big snuggles this morning. I love our lazy starts. I'll register him for afternoons to hold onto them a little longer. It's too soon for full days. Grade 1 will be too soon for full days!

It's a good thing that the letting go is gradual. Baby steps. But no matter how gradual it is, I feel it. I feel his move towards independence. It's a good thing. The natural order. Still my heart aches with thoughts of 'losing him'.

He's my only one. There's a whole lot of me wrapped up in him.

Today's quote says it all:

 

Boy, did she nail that! That is exactly how I feel.

I understand completely why mamas want to have more kids at this stage. This is the stage when snuggles are fewer and farther between. We long to feel that closeness that we knew nothing of until the day our first child was born.

Bitter sweet. But the memories are enough to sustain me for the rest of my life. Had I not become a parent - even just the once - I would not have known that my heart could expand to hold so much more love. 

Though it's hard to believe it myself, it feels as though my heart grows with love for him each day. Elizabeth Stone's quote articulated something for me that until I read I only felt. Intensely. 

Take my heart with you little one, for though it aches to be separated from it and from you, I would have it no other way. My heart belongs to you.

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I'm also linking up with Lovelinks @FreeFringes,

a super cool place to hang out!

Stop by each week, link up a favourite post.

Come back the next day and vote for your favourites.

Kid History #6: "Health food will make you strong. But candy will make you rich! Or will it?"

In light of my recent dietary restrictions - I'll spare you the gory details - this Kid History episode is especially funny to me. If you've never heard of Kid History, well, you've been missing out on some serious belly laughs.

So, no Wordless(ish) Wednesday photos, just for today. Prepare to giggle and snort along with this video!

--> For more laughs from the Kid History gang, see:
Chidren's Storytelling - Pregnant Pauses and Creative Substitutions

If you're unable to view the above movie, you can link directly to it here: http://youtu.be/fh0NLQJfAYU

You can also visit the Kid History gang at Bored Shorts TV on YouTube.

His and Hers

Obviously, dad's life is somewhat different than mom's.

In our house dad works while mom stays at home with the boy.

Dad goes to the gym on his way home from work, thus extending his not-at-home day. Mom works out in the morning, while the boy is occupied by his own gym class, assuming the boy is not sick or otherwise uncooperative when it is time to go. And assuming it is not a holiday and that mom does not have some urgent errand to run that can't be done with a four-year-old in tow.

Dad eats warm lunches with friends from work whenever he likes. Mom is lucky to remember to feed herself some celery glazed with peanut butter. Mom always has the same company for lunch. Mom loves said company, but, honestly.

Ten Tips for New Moms

It's Monday again, and you know what that means! Time to link up with NorthWest Mommy for Monday Listicles. If you're not addicted already, check out the Monday Listicles movement. Get a writing prompt each week and treat it however you like. Couldn't be more fun!

It's a particularly exciting link up for me today, because I got to choose this week's topic: Ten Tips for New Moms! In case you missed it, you can read all about my rationale for choosing this topic in my post from last week, Guilty Pleasures. (Thanks to Jacqui of Chicktuition for suggesting last week's topic.)

I'm also linking up with Love Links. Join the community and meet some new blogging friends. Link up your favourite post from the week. If you like my post, you can visit Love Links to vote for me.

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Before I get to my listicle for this week, have you heard the news? Since you all know and love Stasha B, I thought you'd want to be in on it. Stasha recently ran a contest to give away one of her limited edition, signed prints as a thank-you to her fans for encouraging her to launch her new photography business. We all know how talented she is and we're all very excited that she's finally taken the plunge! Well, guess who won the contest? Yup. ME!!!! Take a look at what I won!

Thanks so much, Stasha! It's a stunning photo and it's going to look fantastic on my wall. Visit Stasha's new website, Stasha B. Photography to check out her latest creations.

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Now on to this week's Listicle.

I expected this post to be a funny, lighthearted look at motherhood, rather than the more serious and emotional piece it turned out to be. I have many crazy anecdotes from my own mishaps as a new mother that I thought I might share, but for whatever reason, this post just didn't go that way. I'll save those stories for another time: perhaps a post entitled, My Ten Biggest F*Ups Since Becoming a Mom. How will I limit myself to just ten?

Ten Tips for New Moms

1) Labour and Delivery. Let's start at the beginning shall we? You're pregnant. You're full of joy and the promise of a perfect life with your perfect new family. You and hubby have worked out the perfect birthing plan, attended Lamaze classes so you will know how to breathe through the pain, and packed your bag with all of the comforts you will need for your transition from this stage to the next beautiful stage of your transformation into motherhood.

Here's the thing. Things never go according to plan. Plans are great - guidelines - wish lists, is really what they are. You will be disappointed if you expect things to go entirely the way you want them to. Hope for the best, but be prepared for alternatives. One way or another, the baby will come out, and that is all that will matter in the end. When you hold that little bundle in your arms, the unimportant details of how he or she arrived will melt away.

My experience: The breathing lessons were completely useless as I went from no contractions to contractions 2 minutes apart, instantly. I brought a bag to the hospital packed full of things to aid in my "comfort" during labour and delivery, but never used any of it. When we arrived at the hospital we left the bag in the car and once in labour I couldn't let go of my husband's arms long enough for him to go and get it. The only thing I desperately needed from that bag was an elastic band to keep my sweaty hair out of my face! I resisted the drugs, as per "the plan" but just barely and mostly due to circumstance (I couldn't stand the nitrous oxide, I kept telling the epidural guys to "Go away! Wait come back! Nevermind, go away!" and the baby came really quickly). In the end, all that matters is the beautiful boy I now have in my life.

2) Nursing. So you want to nurse your baby exclusively, for at least four years? That is a respectable goal, to be sure. Mine was to nurse exclusively for 2 years. But, once again, life has a way of messing with our plans. Accept ahead of time that there are certain things that are beyond your control. Despite your best efforts, nursing may be difficult for you as it is for many, if not all, moms at least some of the time. This is NOT cause for shame. It is NORMAL. We are told that breastfeeding is the most natural thing we can do as women, so we expect it to just work. In reality, breastfeeding is HARD WORK! We are told all sorts of things about how and when we should nurse our babies, how and when to introduce a bottle, if ever. Wait and see. Breathe. Listen to your heart. Do what feels right to you and what works for the unique pairing of mother and child.

My experience: I wanted to nurse exclusively and did, for fourteen months. It nearly killed me. My son had acid reflux and nursed every 1-2 hours (which meant that I slept never more than one hour at a time) until we finally sorted out what was wrong and got him on the right medication - 5 months later. I listened to advice to not give him a bottle for 6 weeks to avoid so-called "nipple confusion". After that, my son would not take a bottle. No confusion, but still no rest for mom! If I had a second, I swore, he would have one bottle a day right from the start so that someone else could feed the baby and I could have a rest. I had many other nursing struggles along the way and almost quit several times. I finally stopped nursing when it seemed that Jack was less dependent on it, and when my body told me it had had enough. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to nurse my child, but would never suggest that there is a right way to do so or even that nursing is necessary. Yes, it has benefits, but probably way more important is a healthy, happy and connected mom.

3) Sleep. Ugh. We parents torment ourselves for years over the quality of our children's sleep. Scheduled naps and bed times. Sleep training: 'cry-it-out' methods have us alternately feeling we are giving our children the gift of a lifetime of healthy sleep habits and crying our eyes out thinking we are the cruelest parents ever. Try not to lose your mind. Try not to hate your partner, if you have one to deal with, when he or she unwittingly undermines your sleep plan. Be patient with him or her - they are learning too. Stay strong. Be persistent, but be forgiving with yourself and your child. Whatever sleep goals make sense to you, trust your judgement, give them a try. Don't be too hard on yourself if it's not easy or if you decide it's not working and you need a new plan. There is never anything wrong with changing course. In fact, as true as it may seem to you that change is the only constant, you've never experienced how true this is until becoming a mother. Get ready to go with the flow!

My experience: I am not a good sleeper. This obviously affected my decisions with respect to setting up my son's sleep habits. His first five months (with acid reflux and trouble sleeping) had an affect as well. It was important to me that he learn to sleep on his own. Ideally, he would also be able to sleep through noise. We were, despite teasing and, in some cases, judgement from others, very strict with Jack's bed time. Unlike other parents who kept their kids up until midnight so that they could attend weddings and other events, we put Jack to bed at the same time every night without exception. We felt that sleep was that important. We used a cry-it-out method as it was needed, a few times over the course of his first 3 years. It always worked pretty well. It was always very hard to do. Our son is a pretty good sleeper. We're not as strict anymore on very special occasions, but if he's late to bed it's only by an hour or two. We don't feel that he has missed out on anything as a result.

Sleep is another topic that could fill several posts. Whatever sleep problems you run into, know that there is a solution. There is a way to correct anything that goes wrong. Stay educated about sleep concerns and you'll be just fine.

4) Food. Double ugh! You will spend a ridiculous amount of your time preparing food and then shoveling it into the garbage when your baby, and then child, refuses to eat it. It will make you cry at least once. Breathe. This too shall pass. Not slowly, but it will. Over the years, if you are patient, your child will learn to enjoy what food is put in front of him or her. Resist the urge to be a short order cook! Resist the urge to feel you are a failure because your child will not eat broccoli. Your baby will eat if hungry and will, over the course of the week, if you are serving a variety of healthy foods, get all the nutrients he or she needs. This is your new mantra - repeat after me: I, as a parent, decide when and what my child will eat. My child decides if and how much he or she will eat.


My experience: I made all of my baby's first foods from scratch. I recognize this is not for everyone, especially moms who head back to work or have multiple kids or multiple demands on their time. It was, for me, relatively easy and made me feel good about controlling the type and quality of food my child was getting, I used good quality, organic food and still, I think, saved money. As time went on, I tried to expose my child to a variety of foods and flavours. I still try to use good quality food at home an to buy little or no processed food. This is a topic that I could dedicate several posts to. Tomorrow I will discuss a tiny aspect of the problem of getting kids to eat what's good for them.

5) Milestones. Milestones are both joyous to behold and the source of much anxiety for many parents. Know this, new mama. When your doctor tells you that your baby is just fine, it's really true. Your little Joey may not be crawling yet while many of his peers are. He may not be the crawling type. He may just stand up and walk one day. Sally may not be able to colour between the lines until she is five or six. You know what? That's okay! Every child develops differently. Each one has different interests. Encourage your child's interests. Gently help them to experience new things and learn new skills. Recognize your child's efforts and be proud of her accomplishments. Resist the temptation to compare your child to others her age.

My experience: I have been in situations, even with beloved family members, where when speaking about one of my child's interests (for example, noting that my son loves activity books as he plows through one at a family dinner), I have had to endure lectures about what my child should and shouldn't be doing, what appropriate development and learning is for his age, and so on. Someone might simply note something my child is doing and talk about how their child/neice/grandchild/etc can do that only better. I have seen moms shrink in size as some other mom bragged about their child in a way meant to make other children seem slow to develop. Moms, I implore you. Be proud of your children AND other children too. They are all beautiful creatures who will, if we get out of their way, grow up to be brilliant at any number of things they choose.

6) School. As your child gets a little older, you'll face such important questions as, Should I enroll my child in Gymboree? Should he go to preschool? Which one? What about language? Does my child need to be in french or spanish immersion? Most moms agree some form of socialization is good for kids. Yours might get it at home. As to which school, which subjects and what's important for your child to be exposed to? That's a very personal choice. Respect your choices. Trust your instincts about what's best for your child and be okay with it. It absolutely does not matter what anyone else does. Period.

My experience: I did the Gymboree thing for a while, and took Jack to some programs at our local rec centre. It kept him active and that was necessary for his sanity and mine. As an only child, I think he benefited from being around other kids. He is now in preschool. One that he loves to attend. One that embraces play. It didn't matter to me to have him in the best preschool to prepare him scholastically for kindergarten and beyond. I'm still debating which school he will go to, but my priorities at this age will lean more toward where he will be happiest (things like being close to home and friends will be factors) rather than where he will get the best education. A good public school will likely be good enough. (As an aside, this is a difficult decision where I live as we have a ridiculous number of choices when it comes to type of school.)

7) Bad behaviour. Along with socialization, and simply being a toddler or preschooler, comes bad behaviour: defiance, hitting, kicking, name-calling, screaming, whining, running away, not listening, not cooperating... the list has the potential to go on and on. Please don't be too hard on yourself when your perfect angel starts to do bad things. It does not make her a bad kid. It does not make you a bad parent. Into each life a little poop must fall, and as the parent of a toddler or preschooler you will shovel your fair share. Just clean it up and get some good advice on how to avoid stepping in any more of it.

My experience: You may have heard me mention my willful child in the past. I don't know where he gets it from (ahem), but it's a challenge to deal with. Just when I have one problem sorted a new one rears it's ugly head. It's tiring. I knew it would be this way too. I remember him kicking the bejeebers out of me in utero and thinking, This kid is going to be trouble. But I also knew that meant he would be a critical thinker, and that if I could just keep calm and support him he'd do really well in life. I knew it would be tough, and I quickly learned it would be tougher to do on my own. Which brings me to my next two tips...

8) Get educated! Knowledge is power. When you are feeling overwhelmed, remember that whatever you are experiencing many women before you have also experienced. Take advantage of courses offered to new moms. Many may be offered for free through your health region. Check out the multitude of books available through your library on a range of topics related to bringing up baby: some of the ones we just talked about, such as sleep and feeding. Subscribe to newsletters that offer tips and information about child development, where to get help when you need it, recipes, local family-friendly resources and events... whatever will make your life easier! Motherhood will be your hardest and most rewarding job ever. Don't be afraid to use the training manuals!

My experience: I met a group of moms when Jack was 3 1/2 months old through my local health region. We attended a course together that offered advice to new moms on all things related to keeping baby healthy. This combined with an information booklet offered by my health region were valuable resources for me. I also subscribed to babycenter.com for tips on supporting my child's development. If free information and advice was made available to me, I took it! I didn't necessarily follow everything I read or was told, but I made sure I had plenty of information to make informed decisions.

9) Get help! There is no shame in it. In fact, it's one of the smartest things you can do. Find someone in your life, a group of new moms or an organization you trust and use them! Ask them for help, and offer your help whenever you can. As a new mom you will see that one of your best resources is the huge network of fabulous moms out there, both the ones with kids your age and the ones who have been where you are about to go. Don't be afraid to make new connections. Many of these moms will become life-long friends.

My experience: Remember that group of moms I mentioned, the ones I met when Jack was just a tiny babe? We're still very good friends. We all met for weekly playgroups for several years. We still manage a few playgroup get-togethers, though our children are moving in different directions now. Somehow we manage to find time for each other still. We have each been powerful resources for one another. Simply knowing there were others close by that were going through the same things I was going through gave me a great deal of strength to survive some very tough days.

I've mentioned a company called Parenting Power on my blog before. These professionals have offered me invaluable advice when I needed it most. Very empowering. It helps to put the problem in perspective, remove blame from the situation, and quickly move to a workable solution. If you can find an organization like this one in your area, I say, Take advantage of it! Motherhood is at the same time highly rewarding and potentially very stressful. Anything that helps to tip the balance toward the benefits of the rewards and away from the stress of the trials is an investment well made, in my opinion.

10) My final tip to you, new mom, is to love yourself. You will spend most of your time worrying if you are doing the right thing, caring for your family and doing the best you can to care for yourself so that you can continue to care for your family. YOU ARE what they need. YOU ARE who they love. No matter your state. No matter your ability. No matter that all you have to offer your child today is celery and a hunk of cheese. Tomorrow is another day. Do the best you can with what you have today. You love your family. YOU ARE part of that family. Love yourself.

Please know that there is no right way to raise a child. There is only what feels right to you. Educate yourself, yes. Seek advice from friends who have been there, YES! Then, decide what is best for your family.

Be okay.

Everything will be okay.

xo

Me

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Help for Sick Days

It occurs to me as I sit here with a slightly scratchy throat (which BETTER not be another cold), and reflect on my failed attempts to teach my distracted child how to be a good active listener, that I need help.

I'm thinking of pre-recording statements that I can deliver as necessary to respond to my child without actually speaking and hurting my aching throat any more. I figure if I cover my mouth when I talk, he'll never know the difference.

Phrases to record for next cold:
Good morning, Jack!
How did you sleep?
You did? What was it about?
Were you scared?
That's a brave boy!
Yes, you can, just as soon as you get dressed.
No.... No.... Because cats don't need clothes.
Because they have fur.
Because most cats live in the wild and they don't have clothes in the wild and... hey, did you hear that bird chirping outside?
Mommy's going to get dressed.
You can dress in your own room, Jack.
No... No... Because mommy needs privacy.
Let's see who can get dressed first!
Yes, you won! 
Okay we tied.
Okay you won, Jack.
Not today......... Not today......... Not today.
I've already answered that question.
Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.
Is that right?
Okay!
Interesting.
Breakfast!
Pardon me?
Absolutely. Good manners Jack.
You're welcome.
Yes, you can have more of whatever you want just as soon as you eat what's in front of you.
Okay, go go go!
Good job!
Did you flush the toilet?
Did you wash your hands?
Did you turn off the light?
We're leaving in five minutes!
Two minutes Jack.
Time to go Jack!
Hmm, it looks like you'd rather run errands with mommy than go to Sport Ball/Music Class/Billy's house.
Walking feet please!
In you get.
Sit still please.
Here we go!
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! <clap><clap> If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! <clap><clap>...
Okay have fun!
I love you!
Hi Jack!
Did you have fun?
Did you say thank-you?
In you get.
Jack... Jack... Jack!!!
Listening please.
I hear you, but you need to put your seatbelt on.
Because if a policeman pulls mommy over and you don't have your seatbelt we'll both be in big trouble.
It means that the policeman will give mommy a ticket.
A ticket is something that costs a lot of money and can affect my driving record.
Well that's when... ah... hey, check out that helicopter up there?
Down by the bay... where the watermelons grow... back to my home... I dare not go. For if I do... my mother will say... "Did you ever see a bear combing his hair, down by the bay?"
Okay, we're home Jack.
Where do your shoes and coat go?
Good job.
Let's have lunch.
We had mac 'n cheese yesterday.
Sure. That sounds yummy!
Mmmm. Good choice, Jack.
Let's clean up.
Why are you crying?
Are you tired?
Well, you're acting like a boy who needs a nap.
Well, maybe a short timeout then.
I can't hear you when you scream like that.
Okay. Mommy needs a timeout.
I'll be back in three minutes.
Yes, I'm all better. Thanks Jack.
Okay, let's play.
It's my turn Jack.
I can't play with you if you won't share your toys.
Oh, good sharing Jack!
Alright Jack. Why don't you find something to play with on your own while I make dinner?
I would love to, but my hands are busy right now, Jack.
Wow!
Look at that!
Good for you!
You did that all by yourself?
What a great idea!
You are so creative.
Yes.
Seven.
Purple.
No, I don't think cats like to eat paper.
No, I'm sure cats don't like to be chased by sharks.
Dinner!
Yes, we have dessert.
Yes, you may have dessert if you're still hungry after you eat what's in front of you.
Full?
Okay, you can get down now, Jack,
Yes, you can play for a few minutes before bedtime.
Okay.... bedtime routine!
<This is where daddy takes over. Ahh, entire minutes of peace and solitude. Space in my head to think my own thoughts. "Mommy!" "Song time!">
What songs would you like to sing tonight, Jack?
Okay, how about one made up silly song and one that we all know?
Very nice.
Hugs and kisses?
Goodnight sweetheart.
No you can't sleep with me.
Oh, sweety. It's okay.
If you dream of bears again, just yell 'Boo!' and they'll run away.
Besides you have George and Teddy to protect you.
And mom and dad are just next door.
Yes, all of the doors are locked.
Yes, the windows too.
Okay, I'm blowing you a kiss.
Got it!
See you in the morning!  
I love you too.
To the moon and back!

Phew! So, how did I do? Think I can survive an entire day without my voice?

Huggie Bear - A buckwheat and lavender night time friend

Ever wonder how new routines come about? Ever find yourself jumping through hoops for your children and wondering, How did I get here?

One night a couple of weeks ago, Jack said his tummy was a little sore and I asked him if he wanted a hot water bottle. He said yes. The next night, probably remembering how the hot water bottle routine extended his bed time, he said he had a tummy ache again. I didn't much buy his tummy ache claim, particularly because he was grinning from ear to ear, but still I complied.

In fact, I complied with this request for several more nights - wondering how long it would go on - and then I remembered something. Grandma bought Jack the coolest thing a couple of years ago. It's the Spa and Herbal Therapy Huggie Bear by Nood. It's a cute little bear stuffed with buckwheat and lavender.

Forty-five seconds in the microwave on high, and he's a snuggly bedtime friend to keep little ones toasty warm. It also does wonders for an upset tummy.

Okay, so I haven't really made any less work for myself by replacing a water bottle with Huggie Bear, but at least I'm cutting down on water costs. And it's just too cute seeing Jack snuggle to sleep with his Huggie Bear... and his two other bedtime stuffies... and his six imaginary friends. Oy, what have I done?

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It's Tuesday! Hop on over to the Tuesday Twitter Hop at Heartfelt Balance Handmade Life and link up your Twitter handle. Find new followers. Make new friends!

My Family is Growing!

You may recall that we recently welcome a new addition to the family, Jack's friend monster (aka Carl). Carl's been around for a while, and mostly he's pretty good about picking up after himself and not taking up too much space.

A couple of weeks ago, Jack visited his grandma with dad (mom stayed home). Lucky for me, monster left his mom behind to keep me company. When Jack returned home, Jack introduced me to his new friends - plural. In no particular order, here are the newest members of our family:

Turtle - Okay... turtles are harmless enough. I can handle a turtle in the house.

Mantis - this new friend kind of gives mommy the squeemies.

Lion - so far no humans have been digested by this new guest.

I'm hoping Jack's lion friend looks like this:

and not like this:

Each of Jack's new friends have to give me a hug in the morning before Jack gives me a hug. Picture me with my arms wrapped around air 4 times in a row. The things we do for our kids.

I had a brief conversation with Jack about just how many new friends I might expect in the future. I asked him where they all slept and if there was room for anymore. He assured me that they could all fit in his bed, except for Lion. Lion sleeps on the couch. And then he decided that there might be room for one more, but no more than six altogether. I guess we've forgotten all about monster's mom by now. I'm okay with that, and happy to know that we're almost at capacity.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few invisible friends and one flesh and blood human to read to before quiet time, and some of them are not very patient!

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I'm linked up at Bruna's Let's Bee Friends today!

Life's Lessons: The Solo Vacation Edition

It's time to reflect on what I have learned this past week, so I'm linking up with Rach at Life with Baby Donut and Sara at Life's Recipe for Life's Lessons.

1. My boys were away for a few days and I did not die of loneliness. As odd as it seemed that I would not join them on their mini-vacation (a visit to Grandma's), it turned out to be a brilliant idea.

2. I had many things to take care of while they were gone, but also... get this... slept in. Twice! I mean, really slept in. Not just the laying in bed listening to the clamour with my eyes closed wishing the boys would go outside or to the basement or anywhere that I can't here them just for an hour or so sort of sleeping in. I mean, sleeping in until 9:30 (kids... trust me... that's a heck of a sleep in when you're a mom)!

3. I also didn't starve! I didn't eat the gourmet meals I had planned for myself, but I ate. Sandwiches mostly, greasy take-out food frequently, and ice cream bars that I didn't have to share! With anyone!!

4. I drove in my car listening to music that I wanted to listen to, from start to finish, without having to answer even one question from the back seat!

5. My brain was devoid of questions of any sort for actual minutes at a time! There was space in there for original thought! I can't express just how restorative this was for me.

6. I was reminded that I am pretty self-sufficient in general when there isn't someone else around to rely on (aka delegate to). It was a productive few days, in addition to being restful.

7. I can spend four whole days alone without dying of boredom. I resisted the urge to call friends and fill my days with social events. That was tough. I love my friends, AND it was one big party here last week as the Calgary Stampede took over the town. I resisted the temptations and by the end of the four days felt truly rested. Almost human again!

8. That gift of the few days on my own was enough to remind me that my boys want the best for me, and that the tiniest boy doesn't do what he does to drive me mad. In fact, I adore my boys for who they are and it was nice to have the opportunity to stand back from the chaos and appreciate them.

9.  Of course, we are right back on schedule now and I'm as exhausted as I was before the boys went away, but ultimately it was great to know that rest is possible!

10. And I did miss them. It was very quiet around here while they were gone which was both lovely and sad at the same time. I'm happy to have them back with me. I'm feeling renewed. It was a great week!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What did you learn this week?

Meditating Mama: I took the first step!

Being a mom is very rewarding, but also very challenging. It's Mom-I'm-hungry-Why-is-the-sky-blue-Why-are-you-rubbing-your-forehead-like-that challenging! It's difficult to find time to breathe.

So this morning, I decided to give meditation a try. I've done a little meditating in the past - not much - just enough to know that it can be helpful and bring a sense of calm to an otherwise anxiety-provoked existence.

The boys have been away for a few days. I spent the first days getting things done and sleeping. Ah, sleep, how I have missed you! Today, was meditation day. I decided to start slow - just five minutes today to get the feel of it. No pressure! I woke up too early but ready to begin. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes.

Something was missing. A candle. I needed a candle. I had just the one - a soothingly scented purple candle to inspire deep thoughts. Perfect! ... but... I needed something to light it with... so I went looking for a match.

There were no matches in the first few places I looked, but I did find an enormous amount of dust that needed to be wiped off of a dresser. Also, it was such a lovely day I opened up all of the windows. I found a box and checked inside for matches. No matches, but it did contain a beautiful crystal that used to hang on a window. It would be lovely if I needed something to focus on... you know... if I got distracted. It just needed a pretty ribbon to hang from. I rummaged through another drawer and found the perfect pearlescent blue ribbon, fed it through the loop of the crystal and tied it in a neat bow.

I went to the kitchen to look for matches, found some, and then remembered that I needed to feed the cat and give her some medicine.... which then reminded me that I needed to clean out her litter box. That reminded me that I needed to go to the bathroom myself. No point trying to meditate with a full bladder.

Relieved, candle lit, beautiful chirping bird sounds spilling in through the windows, I sat on the floor and closed my eyes. As my thoughts drifted to discomfort or my to-do list, trying to breathe "naturally", I returned to the mantra, "so hum" ("I am"). So hum... So hum... I am... I am... I am hungry, I thought, as my tummy rumbled. So hum... This isn't working. How can I quiet my mind when my stomach is talking to me? Just a quick bite to eat, that's all I needed. Back to the kitchen I went and poured myself a bowl of cereal. I figured I might as well just have breakfast and then return to meditating.

Now I was nourished and ready to clear my mind of debris. I sat again, legs crossed, palms open and closed my eyes. I was slouching. I'm not supposed to be slouching. I returned from the living room with a foam block, after carrying some dirty dishes to the kitchen, rinsing the cat's food bowl and having a glass of lemonade.

So hum... So hum... SAM! (my cat) Do NOT drag your tail through the flame! PLEASE! Be careful, Sammy. Exhale. So hum... So hum... So hum...

My cat has no trouble relaxing.

After a few deep, cleansing breaths I decided that it had been a good first effort and blew out the candle. As distracted as I had been, I gave myself credit for the effort. And I did feel more relaxed!

Now everything is set up for tomorrow, so there should be nothing to distract me.... Okay, there will still be plenty to distract me, but, with time and practice, I'm confident that this will get easier. I can already feel the benefits.

If you're feeling tense or under pressure, I highly recommend taking a few moments for yourself each morning before your day begins, meditating, doing yoga, writing in a journal or performing some other relaxing activity that is all about you!

Namaste.

If you like, you can try this meditation guided by Deepak Choprah.

If you are unable to view this video, you can link to it directly here: http://youtu.be/D56tUOdpgts

Life's Lessons: The First Edition

I have been feeling especially uninspired - tired, but also just enjoying the great outdoors with my son a whole lot and not really feeling like doing anything productive. I've experienced several Scarlett O'Hara moments this week: "I'll think about that tomorow!" It's partly the heat and partly the realization that summer is short and I want to be outside soaking up as much of it as I can!

Then one of my favourite blogging moms, Rach at Life with Baby Donut, decided to host a link up along with Sara at Life's Recipe, and I was once again inspired.

What I learned this week:

1. I learned (or was reminded of the fact that) a massage is like a little slice of heaven and always helps me sleep like a baby (one of those babies that sleeps for 6 hours overnight as soon as they come home from the hospital, not one of those babies - like mine - who sleep for only one hour at a time for five months).

2. I learned that story time at the zoo starts at 11:00 not 11:30 and is at the north end of the zoo, not the south end. Oops! Sorry M! Mama needed a nap that day.

3. I learned that my son can easily survive a 3 hour camp, and even enjoy himself... the whole time. Crisis averted!

4. I learned that if you eat before a late evening get together with friends, none of them will have eaten yet and vice versa. 

5. I learned that I can bike for hours and hours and still not really want to stop. What's that about?

6. I learned that hanging out with friends while the kids play on the playground equipment and someone feeds you hamburgers, hot dogs, ice cream, water and juice is not half bad!

7. Oh, and I learned that I have the kind of boobs (can I say "boobs" on the interweb?) that really hurt when they get squished in a mammogram machine. Happy news though - negative mammograms-2, cancer-0! Woot!

Have a great week everyone!

Introducing our newest addition... Carl!

Apparently, we have a new resident. The other day, Jack and I had this seemingly benign conversation over lunch at a local restaurant:

Jack: Mom, there's a monster at our house right now.

Mom: Well, that's okay Jack because we're not there right now. Hey! I wonder if he's cleaning the house for us?

Jack: Is it dirty?

Mom: No, you're right, it's pretty clean right now. Maybe he's doing the laundry!

Jack: Yes, he's a nice monster. He does our laundry.

When we arrived home, monster was still at our house. Jack took monster to his room with him and they played together for an hour. Later, Jack told me that monster is the same age as Jack and just as tall. He doesn't have sharp nails so he doesn't make marks on the floor (I have no idea where this came from). Also, monster seems to like all the same things as Jack! Monster has been everywhere with us, and has his own place at the table now.

And just like that Jack has an imaginary friend. A monster. We think his name is Carl.

Apparently, this is totally normal and even beneficial.

So, I'm riding the wave.

Jack seems very happy with Carl, and that makes me happy too. It's about time there was someone else around here to play with besides mommy!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Are there imaginary friends in your home?

My Life Without Kids

Today's post was inspired by a writing prompt courtesy of Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writers’ Workshop.

Writing Prompt: Describe what you think your life would be like if you had never had kids.

My Life Without Kids

If I had never had a child, what would my life be like? In a word, incomplete.

I can’t say it would have been empty, because I would have filled it with other things. I wouldn’t necessarily have missed it: I wouldn’t have known what I was missing.

My life before kids was long. I had my son late in life, so I’ve had a lot of time to be just me and just a couple. You’d think I would have accomplished more with all that free time!

I never had free time though. I filled it. I was busy.

I am busy still, but my priorities are different.  WAY different.

When I first became a mother, I lamented the number of things I could get done in a day before I had kids. I could run multiple errands in one car trip. I worked, studied, volunteered, socialized, kept the house in relative order and even slept.

I no longer have the time to volunteer my time outside of the home. Now I am a full-time volunteer to a party of one.

Since having a child, I feel like I get nothing done in a day. I look around at the state of chaos my house is in, the pile of letters I need to return, and the bathtub… how I miss the bathtub.

In reality, I accomplish an amazing number of things in a day, including, but not limited to, the following:

Blogging – well, here I am writing! I’ve always wanted to write and now that I am a stay-at-home mom there is just enough time to pursue this a little bit. Thanks to Mama Kat for her inspirations (tired mommies sometimes have the desire but lack inspiration)!

Preparing food – I do it, but I don’t enjoy it (see Lunch should be a four-letter word) and that will never change. I am not much of a homemaker. Sad, but true. When I cook, I do it well. It’s just that I’d rather undergo some uncomfortable form of medical exploration than spend time over a hot stove. I’m not proud of this, but if I am being realistic my skills lie elsewhere… I hope.

Cleaning – blech.

General running of the household – What else can this be called. There are a million little things that fall under this category, including picking up stray socks, cat maintenance (you don’t want to know), cleaning paint off of the kitchen chairs, toy wrangling… You get the idea.

Making sure my son knows he is loved - Hugs. Kisses. More hugs when knees get scraped or scary monsters suddenly appear under the bed. Playing cars and other games that I would sometimes rather not, hour after hour, but do anyway with enthusiasm because it brings the little gaffer joy.

Chauffeur and errand runner – To school, home, to the grocery store, home, to play dates, home, repeat.

And from time to time: party planning, cheerleading, and soccer momming (it’s a new term – run with it).

I still manage to socialize, though admittedly the events are a little different. Before kids I might have gone out for dinner and dancing on my birthday. This year my family and I went to see The Very Hungry Caterpillar at the International Children’s Festival. Party on!

My daily life is just as busy as it was before I had kids. The difference is that, despite how mundane or insignificant my daily tasks may seem, I feel like I have accomplished so much more than in my pre-kid days.

There’s nothing more important or fulfilling than the work of raising a child.

Thank goodness I had the chance to see what life would be like with kids. Just think what I would have missed!

May Poll Results: Whose job is harder, SAHMs/SAHDs or WAHMs/WAHDs?

This month's poll went up a little late, so I'm not sure how representative the numbers are. There's no point in creating a graphic chart to illustrate your votes. Almost 90% of you voted that SAHMs/SAHDs jobs are harder. I'm also a little late getting the results up. You can blame it on my job - we SAHMs are very busy!

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://www.momlogic.com/2009/04/stay_at_home_versus_working_mom.php

First, some definitions. For the purposes of this post:

SAHM = stay-at-home mom
SAHD = stay-at-home dad
WAHM = work-away-from-home mom
WAHD = work-away-from-home dad

Other terms like WOHM, work-outside-of-the-home mom, and WOHD, work-outside-of-the-home dad, have also been used. Just to further confuse things, sometimes WAHM and WAHD are used to describe work-at-home moms and dads. I haven't used these terms because they open massive cans of worms like the issue of defining a work-at-home mom or dad only as someone who has a job outside of parenting while being at home with their kids. Some stay-at-home moms and dads would call themselves work-at-home moms and dads since parenting is their job and its definitely work.

Many parents work harder at the job of parenting then they've ever worked at any other job in their lives. It's a double-time (never mind full-time) job with zero pay. (Check out this tool to calculate what mom's paycheck should be!) It's benefits and bonuses come in the form of kisses and hugs.

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://mikahaela.wordpress.com/tag/stat-at-home-mom/

According to this highly scientific poll, SAHMs and SAHDs work harder than WAHMs and WHADs. I have worked outside of the home, I have been a stay-at-home mom and a work-AT-home mom (if they are not the same thing). Being a mom is certainly the hardest job I have ever had. It's also the most rewarding job I've ever had.

I have not yet been a work-AWAY-from-home mom, but I imagine, and I hear, that these moms' challenges are significant, and I don't think this highly scientific poll likely represents that group very well. If any of you work-away-from-home moms and dads are reading this, please share your thoughts with us!

One of the things that we stay/work-at-home parents do not have to deal with is any guilt that might come with being away from our kids, and the associated need to make every moment with them precious. Stay-at-home parents may not feel that pressure. I say, may not, because a lot of the time I still do feel that pressure. Stay-at-home parent is a job I want to do exceptionally well, but let's face it: when there are no coffee breaks (let alone pee breaks), no lunch breaks, and eventually no naps, it can be draining and operating at my peak at all times is extremely exhausting if not impossible.

Note that I have a preschooler, so I speak about this job from that perspective. I don't know what being a stay-at-home parent to school-aged children is like. I imagine by the time Jack is in school full-time, I will fill that time with other work and so will be more like a work-away-from-home parent, except that I will likely be working from home... or, as I am doing today, the nearest non-distracting coffee shop.

I care about this job more than any other. The performance pressure is high. The job is highly rewarding, but it's also highly stressful at times - at least, it is for me. How stressful this job is must be as individual as each child, each parent, and each child-parent relationship. In some cases the combination of factors might make for a relatively stress-free stay-at-home experience. In other cases, the challenges may be many.

Ultimately, if there is an answer to this question, to me it comes down to this. We can only know and accept our own challenges and our own choices. They are guaranteed to be different than someone else's. If we criticize another parent for not making the same choice we did, it is because we assume, in myopic fashion, that they face the same set of circumstances and options that we do. Each parent (each child and each parent-child relationship) is unique, so the challenges and choices they are presented with are also going to be unique. A little tolerance and understanding is in order, I think. A little less jumping to the conclusion that we have it harder than others would be helpful. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and criticizing others, we could instead open ourselves up and listen to the stories of other parents, maybe even pick up a few tips to use in our own lives.

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://www.waystobecomerich.com/tag/work-from-home-dad/

We all love our children more than we are able to express. We have that in common. But our journeys are different.

And now, to lighten the mood, here's is a test to determine whose job is harder. Please take this with a heaping teaspoon of salt. It's funny and it's all in fun. Stay-At-Home vs. Working Parents

As the parent of an only child with various challenges of my own, I have my own story (perhaps I'll share it one day). Read more stories of WAHMs/SAHMs here. 

Here is who I'd like to hear from in order to understand their struggles better: stay-at-home dads, single dads, single moms, moms of multiples, moms with more than one child who work-away-from-home. WHAMs, WAHDs, SAHMs, SAHDs, WOHMs, WOHDs.... whatever you call yourself, will you share your story?

My Family Rocks: Post-Mother's Day Reflections

Okay, I'm taking another crack at a post I wrote last week that was subsequently lost by Blogger. Nice! Let's see how much I can remember....

On Mother's Day I was sick with a cold. Sucks to be me, you say. Mmm... it wasn't all bad. Not that I wanted to be sick... again.... but it was just a cold (there are worse things in life), and in the end it turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.

 Retrieved May 16, 2011 from http://twinpossible.com/when-mom-gets-sick-oh-no

A couple of weeks ago my husband asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. I was just amazed to be asked that question more than 24 hours ahead of time. After I got over my shock, I jokingly said I'd like to sleep all day. I have been burning both ends of the candle, fighting off colds, and was exhausted. There were all sorts of reasons why that wasn't going to happen. We had other plans such as attending a Mother's Day/Birthday dinner for the matriarch of the family. But it was a nice dream.

Well, I came down with another nasty cold and guess what happened? I pretty much spent the day in bed. That's right. I got my wish. I couldn't go to dinner and risk making our 94-year-old aunt sick. Life essentially came to a halt. Well, except for the laundry that needed doing - sheets needed to be changed. Moms know this - no matter how sick you are, your to do list does not do itself. 

Thanks to that cold, I had time to slow down! My boys were great caretakers. They brought me food and made sure I had hot tea to drink. It was a wonderful Mother's Day! What I needed more than anything (besides sleep, which is just a standing order around here), was a chance to lay back and do nothing much of anything. Ahhh. 

Thanks boys. You two are the best. Thanks for caring about what I wanted and thanks for looking after me when I needed it!

By the way, if you find yourself sick, here are some tips on how to handle being a mom at the same time.

April Poll Results: Is competition good for our children?

This month we asked the question: Is competition good for our children? Should parents teach their kids to be competitive?

A. Yes! Competition helps prepare kids for the real world.
B. No! Competition creates winners and losers. All kids need to feel like winners.
C. Depends on the situation.

Our society honours the elite and rewards the victor. Our kids learn early on about competition. On the one hand, I look forward to Jack's upcoming involvement in organized sports. He has his first soccer game today. Playing sports will teach him about working as part of a team. But it will also teach him about competition, winners and losers. I worry about how he will form these concepts in his mind.

A small percentage of you (5%) feel that we shouldn't teach our kids to be competitive, that competition creates winners and losers and that all kids need to feel like winners. But competition is a fact of life. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we don't. How can we help our kids to compete - because they will have to if they want to be part of a sports team, in order to someday have the career they want and so on - without crushing their spirit?

Half of you were on the fence. Perhaps you recognize the realities and benefits of competition, but have reservations about some of the negative aspects of competition, particularly with respect to young children. Well, maybe competition in and of itself is not the problem. Maybe it's how we frame it for our children that matters. According to a Cross Country Canada writer, "Competition is not a problem for young children, in fact it can be very positive. Problems only arise when someone else - usually a poorly informed coach or an overly enthusiastic parent - distorts competition by overemphasizing the value of winning."

Retrieved April 30, 2011 from http://www.highfive.org/Resources/Sport.aspx

Almost half of you (45%) believe that teaching our kids to be competitive is a good idea. You recognize that there are benefits to learning to compete. Competitive sports in particular can help children:

• learn to work as part of a team
• learn to manage success and disappointment
• learn patience and perseverance, particularly when pursuing goals
• learn respect for others
• gain physical fitness and develop body awareness
• gain confidence in their abilities and improve their self esteem

Source: http://www.cccski.com/main.asp?cmd=doc&id=1277&lan=0

Okay, so how do we embrace competition in a way that helps our kids to benefit from it without developing in them an unhealthy need to win? Gail Bell of Parenting Power offers this advice:

Competition is real life – but the important thing is how children learn to deal with it and what they learn from it.  The biggest lesson is: sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.  However – it is an experience – it is NOT about whether you are a loser or a winner.  It is about having an experience and what we can learn from that experience as a person, what adjustments we might choose to make, and how we grow as a person. 

At Parenting Power we encourage parents right from the get go to make all their children’s encounters and experiences real – so yes, they will lose a game or a running race – even at age two, and that is perfectly okay and normal.  We believe that parents should be focusing on the values around the experience – playing fair, honesty, effort, perseverance, patience, etc.  Children learn more about how capable they are when they make mistakes, have failures or lose – because they learn to have self-confidence in trying again and that the experience itself doesn’t define them as a person. This is also another opportunity for parents to teach and guide their children on how to deal with their feelings appropriately that may arise from competition.  Feelings are real – the key is what we do with them and what we learn from them.

Whatever our kids are engaged in we can encourage their efforts rather than rewarding the end result only when it is a 'winning' result. This should help them to continue to work hard and to try again if they miss the mark. The more they come to believe in their abilities the better. There in lies the real competitive advantage.

For further research

If you'd like to further investigate the topic of competition, its benefits and its potential causes for concern, here are some additional readings:

The Benefits of Competition http://www.cccski.com/main.asp?cmd=doc&id=1277&lan=0

Problems in Youth Sports http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/sports/problems-in-youth-sports

When Winning is Peanuts and Cracker Jacks http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychology-sport/200804/when-winning-is-peanuts-and-cracker-jacks

Information on Teaching Kids to be Competitive in Sports http://www.livestrong.com/article/253810-information-on-teaching-kids-to-be-competitive-in-sports/

Why Kids Are So Competitive -- and How Parents Can Teach Fairness http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/self-esteem/why-kids-are-competitive1/

Is your child gifted?

Have you been told that you have a gifted child, or do you wonder if your child is gifted? How can you find out for sure? What does it mean to have a gifted child and how can you help them?

Retrieved April 27, 2011 from http://www.itsamomsworld.com/baby_developer_gifted.html

In this video, registered psychologist Veronica Dixon does a good job of answering these questions. She also makes it very clear why you might want to put your gifted child into a special program. Dixon says there are two main benefits:

1. To prevent the child developing boredom and low motivation.
2. To enable the child to reach their capacity

Gifted children may downplay or deny their abilities in order to fit in with other kids. This can lead to disinterest in academic pursuits and low self-esteem. The gifted child will not be adequately challenged in the mainstream educational program and may eventually drop out of school.

Here's the video:



I used to wonder if placing a child in a gifted program was really the best idea. I wondered if segregation of any kind is ever a good idea. Would a child be picked on for being different? The term 'gifted' kind of turns me off. It refers to academic skill and suggests that others are less gifted. High IQ, or academic prowess, is just one measure of intelligence, so I have some trouble with the label. If we talk about gifts in general, meaning a child's unique exceptional talents, skills or interests, then I can better appreciate the recommendation to provide specialized training to enhance these skills.

If it's true that we all are on our own path and will be happiest when we are developing our unique talents, then specialized support makes sense. Dixon said that denying these talents leads to low self-esteem and higher drop-out rates. It's not hard to imagine how a life can spiral out of control from there.

Yesterday, I talked about Tom Shadyac's new documentary I AM (see I Choose Community, not Competition) and his view that "If you don't do what your heart wants you to do and follow your passion, it will destroy you." Tom Shadyac discovered this late in life. It was a near death experience that opened his eyes and inspired him to radically change his life. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all follow our interests right from the beginning.

As a parent it makes sense to help our child to understand her unique gifts and to support her learning in those areas. As far as being picked on for her unique talents, well that's probably going to happen anyway. Childhood, and the teasing that sometimes goes along with it, only lasts so long - the negative effects of denying a gift or interest may last a lifetime. We can help our children to deal with any teasing or bullying by reminding them that the world is a more beautiful place because of the variety within it. We can also help them to make smart choices about friendships with kids that 'get' them and support their interests.

''Doing your own thing'' is a generous act. Being gifted creates obligations, which means you owe the world your best effort at the work you love. You too are a natural resource.

Barbara Sher

If you have a child in the public school system, testing may be available to place your child in an appropriate program. Talk to the administrator at your child's school. Children outside of the school system can be assessed by a psychologist in private practice. See your local listings.

Parents: Do you set boundaries? Tell me how!

According to John Rosemond, the problem with parents today is that they have no boundaries. He speaks mainly of mothers, claiming that they have trouble saying 'no'. Rosemond believes that "the biggest problem in American parenting today is the lack of a physical or emotional boundary between parent and child, and especially mother and child.”

I'm trying to be offended, but the trouble is I think he's right. I'm not sure why it is - maybe it's the constant societal pressure to raise top-notch versatile geniuses - but many moms today have trouble allowing themselves a life outside of their motherhood role. The focus of everything they do is on the children. I'm guilty of this at least from time to time.

Sometimes I get it right. My recent discussion of how I'm protecting 'quiet time' (see Quiet Time: A Welcome Daily Ritual) is an example of one way that I'm creating boundaries.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/artfullysew/sets/72157623881015959/

As one of five kids, I didn't get a lot of attention from mom. She was there. She looked after my basic needs and spent a good amount of time educating me. But she didn't entertain me, and she took time for herself. I have very distinct and numerous memories of her sitting on the family room couch and, on nice days, a lounger in her bathing suit reading a book. I also remember her taking out several books from the library at a time. Mom was an avid reader.

Well, here I am, a mother and lover of books, complaining frequently about not having enough time to myself to read. Rosemond, a family psychologist, says clients complain to him all the time that their children won't leave them alone. The child, he says, is not the problem. The parent is the problem and the solution is in their hands.

It's amazing the guilt we moms feel if we're not meeting our child's every need. I've been sick with a cold for the past week and a half - Jack too, which means we've been home... together... all day long... for a whole week. I was too tired to be Jack's playmate for the duration, so we watched a little more TV than usual. It was all excellent educational programming, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I talked myself out of that eventually and decided to give myself a break. After all, Jack was well cared for and happy. At least on sick days, that is an appropriate measure of success.

In February, I asked the question, Do you Take Time for Yourself Each Day? Most of us are making some time for ourselves, but there's still room for improvement. My challenge as a stay-at-home mom with many other interests besides mommyhood, is to take time for myself without the guilt. I'm grateful to John Rosemond today for giving me one more good reason to do so.

If you'd like to read more of Rosemond's blunt but thought-provoking article, you can find it here: http://www.sunherald.com/2011/04/23/3050672/the-problem-with-parents-today.html

Care to share your thoughts on this topic? How do you set boundaries?

The Skeptical Reader: Do First-Born Boys Really Demand More Mommy Time?

I came across a parentdish.com article this morning that referred to new findings that women (in certain large countries - the US, the UK, Italy and Sweden) who have first-born boys are working less. Parentdish based it's story on a Wall Street Journal article - in fact lifted one entire section of text from the Wall Street Journal article and pasted it into their own. The Wall Street Journal references the abstract of a discussion paper by the Centre for Economic Policy Research (CEPR). My guess is that neither of these reporters read the full text of the discussion. I'd bet money that the Parentdish author didn't even bother to read the abstract and read only the Wall Street Journal article.

Here's the relevant text from the abstract of the CEPR discussion. 

"We show that in the US, the UK, Italy and Sweden women whose first child is a boy are less likely to work in a typical week and work fewer hours than women with first-born girls. The puzzle is why women in these countries react in this way to the sex of their first child, which is chosen randomly by nature. We consider two explanations. As Dahl and Moretti (2008) we show that first-born boys positively affect the probability that a marriage survives, but differently from them and from the literature on developing countries, we show that after a first-born boy the probability that women have more children increases. In these advanced economies the negative impact on fertility deriving from the fact that fewer pregnancies are needed to get a boy is more than compensated by the positive effect on fertility deriving from the greater stability of marriages, which is neglected by studies that focus on married women only."

Somehow, from the above abstract, the Parentdish writer concluded that First-Born Boys Demand More Mommy Time. That's an interesting spin - it's the one that piqued my interest and sent me to their site to read the article - but it's not at all what the CEPR discussion paper found. The findings are simply that moms with first-born boys work less. I read the discussion paper and can not find a way to draw the conclusion that the Parentdish writer has. The CEPR discusses two potential reasons why moms with first-born boys work less: the "desire for a son effect" and the "divorce effect". Here is the text from the CEPR discussion paper:

"As shown by Bedard and Dech´enes (2004) the rate of marital dissolution is 4% higher for women whose first-born child is a girl. We refer to this second channel as to the divorce effect. Since women in unstable marriages have fewer children over their lifetime, the gender of the first-born child has ambiguous effects on fertility in countries where divorces are more likely. On the one hand, a first-born boy increases the probability of marital stability (the “divorce effect”) and, as marital stability implies more births, it may also increase fertility. On the other hand, having a first-born boy reduces the need of other pregnancies (the desire for a son effect)."

I find that the abstract doesn't represent the findings well enough and is confusing enough to be misleading. Perhaps this is why reporters are having a hard time getting it right. The conclusion of the discussion paper was well written and better reflects the findings of the study:

"We have shown that in the US, the UK, Italy and Sweden women whose first child is a boy are less likely to work in a typical week and they do so for fewer hours than women with first- born girls. Our estimates are statistically significant and translate into quantitatively relevant labor income losses over the lifetime. The effect of the first child sex is the combined result of at least two important sets of channels. To begin with, a first-born son reduces fertility because fewer pregnancies are needed to have a son (the desire for a son effect). Because of lower fertility, mothers of first-born sons should work more, and this is typically the evidence found in developing countries. But the sex of the first child affects fertility also in an opposite way, by making the marriage more stable in case of a first-born boy (the divorce effect). We show that in advanced economies this effect dominates and fertility increases when the first child is a male. For this reason, in the countries that we consider, a first-born boy decreases maternal labor supply."

This is why it's important to read not just the abstract but the entire article where possible.

While the numbers used to draw the above conclusions may be statistically significant, I'm not convinced that they are clinically relevant (i.e. meaningful in the real world). However, the CEPR did find a relationship between first-born boys and decreased maternal labour supply. I just can't get my head around the conclusion that first-born girls more often lead to divorce - 4% more often. Is this really a number we can trust? I'd want to see this study replicated, and I'd care more if Canada had been included in the study.

What's the moral of this story? Don't believe everything you read. In particular, when you read a report on a finding, see if you can dig up the original discussion or journal article from the people who researched the topic. Be wary of the spin that a reporter can put on a headline. The Parentdish article is very misleading. When you read an article that appears to take a number of quotes from another article and merely rearrange them (in this case in misleading ways), be skeptical. 

Be your own judge. If you'd like to read the full text of the original CEPR discussion paper, you can download it here.

EDITED TO ADD: A friend in the research field has this to say about the study:

- First, I don't believe that gender has anything to do with working. What are the underlying variables? Did the researchers control for culture, or for predetermined decisions not to work after children? For example, maybe those women had previously decided not to work after children. Maybe those women are immersed in cultures where the mom is expected to stay home. I would have been interested to see the religious and ethnic demographics. I also think it would have been more interesting to see a longitudinal study where women were polled on their plans for work after children before they knew the gender.

- As for the higher divorce rate, again I think there are too many other variables which are likely to be underlying this phenomenon which were not controlled for. Were those marriages stable before kids? What beliefs do these couples hold about gender (i.e. Is producing a son expected or seen as an obligation)? What are the medical and behavioral histories of these children ( maybe those in the divorce category had children who experienced more issues)? What else happened after the baby was born (were there any other life problems such as financial issues, medical problems, family concerns)?

Essentially, I think that making the conclusions that these authors did is premature and misleading.

Thanks for your input, JR. These are excellent points!