She

For a dear friend who recently experienced a great loss:

If words could ever be enough, I would speak them to you and heal your pain, or if it were allowed, I would help you at least to carry it. Instead, I will be a constant mirror to you so that you can one day see what I see: a miracle, woman and mother, vulnerable and strong, beautiful and loving.

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She is forever changed.

Still a beautiful woman inside and out, still a good mother (though not as good as she thinks she should be), still herself but different in hard to perceive ways.

She wears a veil of grey now that clouds and distorts all experience. It dulls the colours. The veil will lift someday - some - enough - but in no one's time but her own. Even she can not say when this will be.

When the veil does lift she will not be as she was. Though she will begin to see the beauty in things again, begin to laugh fully the way the innocent do, she that was is gone. She now is more serious than others, more grateful, more conscious, and more alive in ways than those with the luxury of seeing through rose-coloured glasses. This is as it should be, but she will not know this for some time yet.

In the meantime...

She will be strong, because she has no choice. She will bend and nearly break to do the things that the rest of us find simply annoying because we have much and appreciate little.

And I will let her know that...

She is a gift. She is both what has been lost and what has been saved. She is strength, vulnerability, beauty and love. She is me and she is enough.

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Your grace and courage are an inspiration to me, dear friend.

xo

Sue

So long, Two Oh One Three. So nice to meet you, Two Oh One Four.

I've been thinking about how to wrap things up here on Cookie's Chronicles for the year. As you all know by now, I am currently undergoing treatment for Lyme Disease. I have good days and bad days and days that are not so bad but that are still challenging. For example, today I am able to clean floors and dust, but it hurts to look at a computer screen. Still, I want to usher out this year and welcome the new year with a little something celebratory. After all, it's been quite a year and despite the challenges I have so much to be thankful for!

I see that some of my bloggy friends are writing question and answer lists to reflect on the year and set the stage for 2014. I like this idea. I think I'll add to it and send a nod out to some other bloggers at the same time.

Bloggers, if you've been tagged at the end of this post it means that however busy, sick or preoccupied I have been this year, I have noticed you. I appreciate you, your blog, your support, and your friendship. (If I haven't listed you, please forgive me! Blame my foggy brain. I want to hear from you too!!) Please participate only if you want to and have the time. I know how precious time is and I would rather you spend it on your personal priorities. If there's time, I'd love to hear your answers to these questions or any others you choose to reflect on.

Some of these questions are inspired by this post by Jen Ann Hall at I'm Dancing in the Rain. I'll keep it short(ish) and sweet.

Reflections on 2013:

What are you most grateful for this year? I am grateful for so many things, including my amazing friends and family. Honestly, the thing I am most grateful for this past year is my own inner strength, and whatever well that comes from. Without it, the outcome would have been something very different. The results of the past year give me hope and renewed strength to go at it again in 2014.

What did you learn about yourself this year? Lots! I learned that I am capable of just about anything and that accomplishment and fulfilment come in many forms. I have learned to be patient and to be grateful for small successes and that the satisfaction in this is far greater than waiting until I arrive at some larger achievement.

Did you try anything for the first time this year? I tried out my stand mixer for the first time. That was more exciting than it probably ought to have been. I also tried to go a whole day without potato chips once this year. Not pretty.

Did you choose a word to focus on for 2013? How did that word influence you this year? No, I was on  sabbatical at the beginning of the year, but I did choose one for 2012 that I have continued to reflect on. It was REJOICE. When dealing with a chronic illness or any sort of constant hardship, it's easy to get bogged down in the dull, depressing details. This word reminds me to include joy in my daily routine, and to take things less seriously. In fact, I have so assimilated this word that I look for joy in just about every moment. I almost always find it. How awesome is that?

Did you travel this year? Where to? Oh yes! Hubs and I had a fabulous trip to Hawaii early in the year while the grandparents looked after our son. We both so needed that break. What a beautiful paradise that part of the world is. I was also fortunate enough to spend a weekend in Montreal with my sister where we connected with old friends. We also spent a weekend at Disney with the little guy - a consolation for not being able to come with us to Hawaii. That was very fun and very, very exhausting! Someone remind me the next time I decided to travel somewhere for just three days that it is not the best idea!

Did you have a favourite song or songs this year? I got pretty hooked on Royals by Lorde. Still loving it, actually.



Did you learn anything new or pick up a new hobby? I did just recently acquire a pretty lucrative new skill known as Rainbow Looming. ;) Anyone else? I think this may be the toy of the year around here.

I also learned how to make all sorts of treats and staples gluten-, dairy- and sugar-free this year. Major accomplishment that helps with that whole rejoice thing!

Did you discover any new good eats this year? I have gone through such madness around food this year. Our diet restrictions are incredibly tough to manage at times. In the process, however, we have become even healthier eaters and I have learned new baking and cooking skills. We eat such good food at home now that it's often a disappointment to eat out. (Having said that, I rarely complain when I have an opportunity to not cook.)

What about books? Well, you know how I love books. I love books like some women love shoes! I read a lot of books this past year that I wish I had talked about on my book blog, but time and priorities - like reading - kept me from it. Best book of the year? Probably The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce simply because it was very well written and met me where I am right now. I highly recommend it.

What was you favourite movie of 2013? I'm going to go with Star Trek Into Darkness. Stellar cast and direction. High action and drama. Oh, and did I mention the cast? Chris Pine (yum), Benedict Cumberbatch, Simon Pegg!!!



Predictions for 2014:

How will you / did you celebrate New Year's Eve? By taking some time to reflect on what I have to be grateful for, and all that I have survived and accomplished this past year. I will kiss my two favourite boys goodnight and fall asleep long before most of the city does, tucked cozily in bed next to the love of my life.

Will you do anything differently in 2014? Resolutions? Goals? This year, I resolve to be more patient with myself. Also, writing is going to be a large part of my life. For years I have resolved to try to do more writing. In 2014, there is no more try. I am a writer.

Have you chosen one word for 2014? What is it? I have and it is REST. There are many things that I want to begin in 2014, but above all else I want to heal. When I am tired and ill and am trying to decide what I should do, this word will remind me that there is just this one thing that I need: rest.

Any travel plans for the new year? No plans yet. This is a treatment year - part of the reason we travelled so much last year - but Jeff's mom and step-dad gave us an amazing gift: funds to make a special trip and the promise of childcare while we are gone. Our trip to Hawaii last year, just the two of us, was such a retreat. I look forward to this next trip when I'm well enough to travel again. April? May? June? We'll see. So fun to have something to dream about!

Will you take a course or learn anything new this year? I thought about a number of writing courses, but have landed on self-directed learning. I bought a few writing books, and ultimately plan to just do the work to hone my writing skills. So, yes, lots of learning! Very, very excited!

Well, that was fun! I am so glad that I returned to blogging this year. Thanks to you, my readers and friends for your understanding and patience and for your support.

Here's to a restorative and lovely 2014! All the best to you and yours.

Sue

And now to tag some of my bestie bloggers! If you're not already following these lovely ladies, pay them a visit and you'll know why I heart them.

Jen of I'm Dancing in the Rain
Bruna of Bees With Honey
Bianca of Bits of Bee
Deborah of The Monster in Your Closet
Amanda of Lilahbility
Lisa of Schwartz Chronicles
Robin of Farewell Stranger
Nadia of Mama and the City
Beth of Far From Camelot
Christine of The Aums
Theresa of A Mountain Momma
Barbara of Footprints in the Sand
Greta of Time out for Mom

The Golden Sky Blogfest: Remembering 'G'

Where are you?

They couldn't find your body, they said.

No closure.

No goodbye.

I imagined that you escaped a life you didn't want to live. Planned your own death.

You thought the world was cruel. Too cruel to bring another human being into.

You lived every moment of your life in the fast lane. As if it would be your last.

Your need for speed is what killed you.

If it killed you.

I imagine you still on a deserted island. Living a life of solitude. Not even attempting to be rescued.

I don't know why.

Perhaps it's easier than accepting that you are gone.

So young. So much life in you when you left us.

Better to imagine you the king of a new world. Finally at peace? Or do you still tempt fate and defy death?

I sometimes wonder how it is that our lives became entwined. Was there some lesson for all of us in you.

My life was - is - richer for having you in it. Even if just a while.

You died too young, but that is how you will always be remembered.

Vital. Unrestrained. Strong. Proud.

A good friend.

I want you to know that your light shines still through those whose lives you touched. None of us as bright as you, but together in us you live on.

Wherever you are, may peace be with you, my dear friend.

Never goodbye, for you are always with me.

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This post was written in support of The Golden Sky Blogfest. Our task was to write about the loss of someone in our lives. I have lost many someones in my life. It felt good to write about 'G'. Not having closure made his death difficult. The other someones would be far more difficult for me to write about, and, though it's now been, in some cases, many years since they have passed, I'm just not ready. I am grateful to Elisabeth (author of The Golden Sky) for bringing us together in this way to remember, perhaps to grieve and to support one another.

I recently reviewed The Golden Sky and hosted a giveaway where two lucky winners each won a copy of Elisabeth's raw and emotional memoir. You can view that post here.

And as of today, you can enter to win an iPad2:

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I'm also linking up with:

Happy Birthday to my Beautiful "Baby" Boy

Today, I think most would agree, my son is no longer a baby. He's now four years old, but he'll always be my baby.

Today I told him how proud I am of the little boy he has become. He is a fun, happy, respectful, kind, helpful, resourceful and talented young boy.

It all began four years ago today, when they plopped this little bundle in my arms. So precious. I had no idea what to do, but I knew I'd do everything in my power to make him happy and to keep him well.

I've watched him grow from this little baby through his first,

second,

third,

and fourth years.

 

It's a little sad to see him growing so quickly before my eyes, but that feeling is so miniscule compared with the joy I feel when I look at this beautiful boy. I am so grateful for his good health and his shining good spirit.

I adore you, my Jack.

Happy Birthday,

Love Mom.

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Ode to Summer

Fall is upon us now. The winds are stronger. The leaves are changing colours and falling at my feet. Still, there are moments of warmth from the sun that remind me of days not too far behind.

Please enjoy this ode to summer, and then come link up your favourite summer memories with Stasha of North West Mommy.

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Ode to Summer

Garden Friends - Butterflies and Bees!

Walks in the Woods - Follow me!

Pizza on the BBQ - Time to eat!

Hide

and Seek - You can't catch me!

Throwing Stones - Easy as can be.

 

Sprinklers, yay! - Run, rinse, repeat!

Water Slides - Super scary. Super fun!

Soccer - Is it my turn yet to run?

Hot Dogs - Yes, that's mac 'n cheese!

Having nothing left - Just can't be beat!

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Hurray for dads!

I do a lot of talking about moms on my blog. Well, I am one - it makes sense. But today, I'd like to honour the fathers. Happy Fathers Day to all you dads. We truly appreciate you, not just this day but every day.

Thank-you for playing catch and building complicated lego-structures with your sons. Thank-you for dawning a tiara and attending tea parties with your daughters. Thank-you for the giggles and tickles. Thank-you for your gentle firmness in teaching our children to be good people.

Thank-you for braving the elements, for scaring away monsters and for attending school plays with enthusiasm and without complaint, no matter how tired you might be.

Thank-you for all the ways that you show our kids how special they are and how much you love them.

Thank-you for everything you do to make our lives comfortable and fun. 

Thank-you for our families. We are who we are because of you! 

Happy Fathers Day!

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If you're looking for a great book to give dad for Fathers Day, check out these deals at Cookie's Book Club: Great books to celebrate dad!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day, and today I'd like to pay tribute to my own mom and to all mothers. Until we become mothers we can't truly appreciate the jobs our own moms did in raising us. The worries they carried so that we wouldn't have to, the dreams they had for our lives and the efforts they went to for our happiness: All of these things are a greater burden than anyone can imagine... until the burden is ours to bear.

This video sums up the job of motherhood as well as anyone ever could. All I can say after watching it is, "Phew!"


It's all worth it, of course, for those sparkling moments when our child does something nice for someone else or looks up at us and says "I love you, mom." It's the best job there is. Once you become a mother, truly every day is Mother's Day. Our children are always with us. We carry their hopes and fears in our hearts.

It is also the hardest job there is, and it's nice to be honoured on our special day. Most of us are so dog-tired that when asked the question, "What would you like for Mother's Day?" we respond, "Oh, maybe just a nice brunch out with all of you." Truthfully, we'd rather not wait in a line with all of the other exhausted moms and their families for a table in a crowded restaurant and a meal that, while lovely, will take far too long to arrive. But we love our families and we're accustomed to putting their needs above our own. Often we don't think about what we want, and when we do we're reluctant to voice it.

This year, when asked the question, I thought long and hard and then answered as honestly as I could, "Sleep. I just want to sleep the entire day away. I'm not sure I'll even need to eat, but if someone would occasionally bring me some food that would also be nice."

Happy Mother's Day! May you be treated like a queen, or at least not have to clean dirty diapers and walk the dog today.

Dads, kids, assuming you've left it this long to find that perfect gift for mom, fret not. Believe it or not, there's still hope for you. Check out this list of What Mothers REALLY Want on Mother's Day from Cool Bean Mommas. You can also check out this list of popular e-books for mom.

And dads, we know you carry a heavy load too, but today is not your day. Your day is in June, when I shall pay homage to you. Until then, trust that you are appreciated for your part in raising happy and healthy humans. Now be a dear and fetch mama a cocktail.

For my sister

My sister and I live many miles apart and have for years. We're also a few years apart in age, so while we spent time together as kids we didn't necessarily have the same interests. I can remember pestering her to play with me as a young child when all she wanted to do was read. Despite the age difference and geographical challenges, we have remained close. I'm so fortunate to have a big sister to lean on when times are tough and to share life's joys with. Today's post is dedicated to my sister.

There can be no situation in life in which the conversation of my dear sister will not administer some comfort to me.  ~Mary Montagu  

I have many fond memories of childhood with my sister, but the moments I treasure the most happened more recently. Maybe it's being out from under the expectations of parents, being in a position to be ourselves rather than the selves that fit the roles we were assigned. There's no need to be anything in particular. We can be boring together. We can be silly together. We can be the worst and the best of ourselves together. No matter what transpires, our bond grows stronger with time.

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of.  You know whatever you do, they'll still be there.  ~Amy Li

I remember one night the two of us were getting ready to go out, side by side in front of a mirror. One of us said something to evoke a feeling of disgust and we both made the same sour face in the mirror. It shocked us, but why should it have? We may have been more shocked at how like our mother we both looked than how like each other. To me, it's an example of how very linked we are in our thoughts and feelings. There are things that we share that can't be found in any other relationship. Things that go beyond words and shared experiences.

Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply...  ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park, 1814

I am grateful every day for my sister. No matter how much time goes by between phone calls and visits, she is always with me, guiding me and supporting me in everything that I do. Love you, B.

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister.  ~Alice Walker

Source - Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:William-Adolphe_Bouguereau_%281825-1905%29_-_Two_Sisters_%281901%29.jpg

A special thank-you message to my friends.

Just after Jack was born, I signed up for a parenting support class for new moms through my local health region. It consisted of four classes over four weeks where we received basic information about caring for our children. The class was led by a nurse who answered any questions we had. The class had some value, but something far more valuable came out of that class: a handful of great friends who support each other through the parenting process. That class was over three years ago, yet this group still finds time to meet almost every week.

Today, I want to recognize these friends of mine, as well as my other dear friends, and say "Thank-you," for all that you do. I can't tell you what your support has meant to me.

Every mom knows that parenting is sometimes like walking a tightrope high above the ground. You get the sense that if you slip just a little, it will be very hard or even impossible to recover. Of course that's not true, but it's hard not to feel very alone in our struggles from time to time.

My friends, many of them moms in the same time and place as I am, are like that big net below the tightrope. Actually, it's as if these ladies each hold the edge of a trampoline and if I fall, they bounce me right back up onto the tightrope.

We're all still going it alone a lot of the time, but the support of my friends is something I carry with me. I know, in the back of my mind, that whatever I am experiencing (see yesterday's post for example), at least one of them has had a similar experience, and we'll talk and laugh about it the next time we're together. Here's to moms and to good friends! Thanks for the laughter, and for helping to maintain my sanity.

To all my friends

Both near and far

Thanks for being who you are

You each lift me up

In your own special way

I'm so grateful for you

Today and every day