May Poll Results: Whose job is harder, SAHMs/SAHDs or WAHMs/WAHDs?

This month's poll went up a little late, so I'm not sure how representative the numbers are. There's no point in creating a graphic chart to illustrate your votes. Almost 90% of you voted that SAHMs/SAHDs jobs are harder. I'm also a little late getting the results up. You can blame it on my job - we SAHMs are very busy!

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://www.momlogic.com/2009/04/stay_at_home_versus_working_mom.php

First, some definitions. For the purposes of this post:

SAHM = stay-at-home mom
SAHD = stay-at-home dad
WAHM = work-away-from-home mom
WAHD = work-away-from-home dad

Other terms like WOHM, work-outside-of-the-home mom, and WOHD, work-outside-of-the-home dad, have also been used. Just to further confuse things, sometimes WAHM and WAHD are used to describe work-at-home moms and dads. I haven't used these terms because they open massive cans of worms like the issue of defining a work-at-home mom or dad only as someone who has a job outside of parenting while being at home with their kids. Some stay-at-home moms and dads would call themselves work-at-home moms and dads since parenting is their job and its definitely work.

Many parents work harder at the job of parenting then they've ever worked at any other job in their lives. It's a double-time (never mind full-time) job with zero pay. (Check out this tool to calculate what mom's paycheck should be!) It's benefits and bonuses come in the form of kisses and hugs.

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://mikahaela.wordpress.com/tag/stat-at-home-mom/

According to this highly scientific poll, SAHMs and SAHDs work harder than WAHMs and WHADs. I have worked outside of the home, I have been a stay-at-home mom and a work-AT-home mom (if they are not the same thing). Being a mom is certainly the hardest job I have ever had. It's also the most rewarding job I've ever had.

I have not yet been a work-AWAY-from-home mom, but I imagine, and I hear, that these moms' challenges are significant, and I don't think this highly scientific poll likely represents that group very well. If any of you work-away-from-home moms and dads are reading this, please share your thoughts with us!

One of the things that we stay/work-at-home parents do not have to deal with is any guilt that might come with being away from our kids, and the associated need to make every moment with them precious. Stay-at-home parents may not feel that pressure. I say, may not, because a lot of the time I still do feel that pressure. Stay-at-home parent is a job I want to do exceptionally well, but let's face it: when there are no coffee breaks (let alone pee breaks), no lunch breaks, and eventually no naps, it can be draining and operating at my peak at all times is extremely exhausting if not impossible.

Note that I have a preschooler, so I speak about this job from that perspective. I don't know what being a stay-at-home parent to school-aged children is like. I imagine by the time Jack is in school full-time, I will fill that time with other work and so will be more like a work-away-from-home parent, except that I will likely be working from home... or, as I am doing today, the nearest non-distracting coffee shop.

I care about this job more than any other. The performance pressure is high. The job is highly rewarding, but it's also highly stressful at times - at least, it is for me. How stressful this job is must be as individual as each child, each parent, and each child-parent relationship. In some cases the combination of factors might make for a relatively stress-free stay-at-home experience. In other cases, the challenges may be many.

Ultimately, if there is an answer to this question, to me it comes down to this. We can only know and accept our own challenges and our own choices. They are guaranteed to be different than someone else's. If we criticize another parent for not making the same choice we did, it is because we assume, in myopic fashion, that they face the same set of circumstances and options that we do. Each parent (each child and each parent-child relationship) is unique, so the challenges and choices they are presented with are also going to be unique. A little tolerance and understanding is in order, I think. A little less jumping to the conclusion that we have it harder than others would be helpful. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and criticizing others, we could instead open ourselves up and listen to the stories of other parents, maybe even pick up a few tips to use in our own lives.

Retrieved June 7, 2011 from http://www.waystobecomerich.com/tag/work-from-home-dad/

We all love our children more than we are able to express. We have that in common. But our journeys are different.

And now, to lighten the mood, here's is a test to determine whose job is harder. Please take this with a heaping teaspoon of salt. It's funny and it's all in fun. Stay-At-Home vs. Working Parents

As the parent of an only child with various challenges of my own, I have my own story (perhaps I'll share it one day). Read more stories of WAHMs/SAHMs here. 

Here is who I'd like to hear from in order to understand their struggles better: stay-at-home dads, single dads, single moms, moms of multiples, moms with more than one child who work-away-from-home. WHAMs, WAHDs, SAHMs, SAHDs, WOHMs, WOHDs.... whatever you call yourself, will you share your story?

April Poll Results: Is competition good for our children?

This month we asked the question: Is competition good for our children? Should parents teach their kids to be competitive?

A. Yes! Competition helps prepare kids for the real world.
B. No! Competition creates winners and losers. All kids need to feel like winners.
C. Depends on the situation.

Our society honours the elite and rewards the victor. Our kids learn early on about competition. On the one hand, I look forward to Jack's upcoming involvement in organized sports. He has his first soccer game today. Playing sports will teach him about working as part of a team. But it will also teach him about competition, winners and losers. I worry about how he will form these concepts in his mind.

A small percentage of you (5%) feel that we shouldn't teach our kids to be competitive, that competition creates winners and losers and that all kids need to feel like winners. But competition is a fact of life. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we don't. How can we help our kids to compete - because they will have to if they want to be part of a sports team, in order to someday have the career they want and so on - without crushing their spirit?

Half of you were on the fence. Perhaps you recognize the realities and benefits of competition, but have reservations about some of the negative aspects of competition, particularly with respect to young children. Well, maybe competition in and of itself is not the problem. Maybe it's how we frame it for our children that matters. According to a Cross Country Canada writer, "Competition is not a problem for young children, in fact it can be very positive. Problems only arise when someone else - usually a poorly informed coach or an overly enthusiastic parent - distorts competition by overemphasizing the value of winning."

Retrieved April 30, 2011 from http://www.highfive.org/Resources/Sport.aspx

Almost half of you (45%) believe that teaching our kids to be competitive is a good idea. You recognize that there are benefits to learning to compete. Competitive sports in particular can help children:

• learn to work as part of a team
• learn to manage success and disappointment
• learn patience and perseverance, particularly when pursuing goals
• learn respect for others
• gain physical fitness and develop body awareness
• gain confidence in their abilities and improve their self esteem

Source: http://www.cccski.com/main.asp?cmd=doc&id=1277&lan=0

Okay, so how do we embrace competition in a way that helps our kids to benefit from it without developing in them an unhealthy need to win? Gail Bell of Parenting Power offers this advice:

Competition is real life – but the important thing is how children learn to deal with it and what they learn from it.  The biggest lesson is: sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.  However – it is an experience – it is NOT about whether you are a loser or a winner.  It is about having an experience and what we can learn from that experience as a person, what adjustments we might choose to make, and how we grow as a person. 

At Parenting Power we encourage parents right from the get go to make all their children’s encounters and experiences real – so yes, they will lose a game or a running race – even at age two, and that is perfectly okay and normal.  We believe that parents should be focusing on the values around the experience – playing fair, honesty, effort, perseverance, patience, etc.  Children learn more about how capable they are when they make mistakes, have failures or lose – because they learn to have self-confidence in trying again and that the experience itself doesn’t define them as a person. This is also another opportunity for parents to teach and guide their children on how to deal with their feelings appropriately that may arise from competition.  Feelings are real – the key is what we do with them and what we learn from them.

Whatever our kids are engaged in we can encourage their efforts rather than rewarding the end result only when it is a 'winning' result. This should help them to continue to work hard and to try again if they miss the mark. The more they come to believe in their abilities the better. There in lies the real competitive advantage.

For further research

If you'd like to further investigate the topic of competition, its benefits and its potential causes for concern, here are some additional readings:

The Benefits of Competition http://www.cccski.com/main.asp?cmd=doc&id=1277&lan=0

Problems in Youth Sports http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/sports/problems-in-youth-sports

When Winning is Peanuts and Cracker Jacks http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychology-sport/200804/when-winning-is-peanuts-and-cracker-jacks

Information on Teaching Kids to be Competitive in Sports http://www.livestrong.com/article/253810-information-on-teaching-kids-to-be-competitive-in-sports/

Why Kids Are So Competitive -- and How Parents Can Teach Fairness http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/self-esteem/why-kids-are-competitive1/

Results of our March poll: Are parents more or less involved in their kids’ lives today? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

The question posed this month is, Are parents more or less involved in their kids’ lives today, and is this a good thing or a bad thing? Here are the results of our March poll. Thanks to all who participated!

Legend:

A. Parents are not involved nearly enough in their kids’ lives these days (25%).
B. Parents are more involved in their kids’ lives these days, and that’s a good thing (33%).
C. Parents are much too involved in their kids’ lives these days (42%).

Two data points that received no votes, were removed from the results. The two options not selected were, Parents today are about as involved as they were when I was a kid, and Parents are less involved in their kids' lives these days, and that's a good thing. 

We have an interesting split in the poll results this month. About one quarter of you believe that parents are not involved enough in their kids’ lives. A third believe parents are more involved and that this is a positive thing. The rest of you believe that parents are much too involved and would agree with critics of so-called helicopter parents who say they are hyper-parenting their children. 

Retrieved March 30, 2011 from http://blogs.studentlife.utoronto.ca/intersections/2011/01/24/helicopter-parenting/

Helicopter parents are accused of hovering over their children attending to their every need and protecting them from potential dangers, both real and imagined. Want to know if you are a helicopter parent? Take this quiz. I got a score of 15:

11-19 Nice job! You’ve found a good balance between being too hands-off and too involved. Encourage your child to make some easy confidence-building decisions like choosing what to have for dinner, or where to go for a playdate. Giving her a bit of freedom will benefit you both.

Phew! Thanks to that highly scientific test I can finally relax about this issue. “I AM NOT A HELICOPTER PARENT! Woo-hoo!”

But maybe I shouldn't be trumpeting my horn so loudly. I've come a long way since the beginning of my motherhood career. Not hovering over our children isn't always easy. It's not surprising that parents sometimes don't know where to draw the line. We live in a dangerous world, if we believe what the news reports have been telling us for more than a decade. 

When Jack was born three and a half years ago I heard about recall after recall and hazard after hazard. Suddenly, motherhood got a whole lot more complicated. I had to check toys for LBP and bottles for BPA. I had to tie up cords and cover electrical outlets. And every time I went anywhere near a nurse with my baby, I was warned about SIDS. The fact that I did not become completely paranoid is something of a miracle. 

Retrieved on March 30, 2100 from http://www.babylifestyles.com/tag/plastic-baby-bottles/

In addition to the physical dangers we're cautioned about, we are bombarded with warnings that our children will not get into the best schools if we don't put them on waiting lists before they are even born. Kids are in preschool at the age of three so that they'll be prepared for real school when they get there two years later. The pressure to develop a well rounded child is intense, so we start them in swimming lessons, register them for sport leagues, teach them art and music and language skills as quickly as they can possibly begin to pick them up. Our kids need to have an edge if they are to succeed in this world. 

Maybe we should give helicopters parents a break! Adriana Barton writes that "hypervigilance is often a rational – if misguided – response to dramatic changes in major social institutions." That is, parents are naturally influenced by societal pressure to protect their kids from every potential harm. Some even believe that helicopter parents have got it right. Brian Joura says the helicopter parent understands that his role is to protect his children "24 hours a day, seven days a week when they first come into the world and then gradually ease off." He claims that "while kids fight for more freedom, it is ultimately up to the parent to decide what they are ready to handle on their own." I see his point, but I think that, by definition, helicopter parents have a hard time knowing when to let go. 

Retrieved March 30, 2011 from http://www.maritz.com/News-Events-and-Insights/Social-Community/Man-vs-Brand/Neuroscience/Generation-Abstraction.aspx

With all of the external pressure to raise our children the right way, how do we know if we are on the right track? How can we avoid overparenting our children? 

Nancy Gibbs writes of a counteractive movement sometimes referred to as slow-parenting or free-range parenting. According to Gibbs, "failure is fruitful. You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who hold them down." Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids asks, "Do you ever... let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid." You might remember the name Lenore Skenazy. She's the mom that let her son ride the subway by himself at the age of nine. I remember how horrified some people were that she would put her son in danger, however remote that danger might have been, and I also remember the overwhelming support she received for standing up to the paranoia.

Free-range parenting sounds reasonable. If we're not careful though, we run the risk of being accused of raising latch-key kids. A quarter of respondents in this month's poll think parents are not involved nearly enough in their kids' lives. Obviously we need to achieve some sense of balance here between hyper-parenting and uninvolved-parenting.

So what's wrong with being involved in our kids' lives? According to at least a third of this month's respondents, nothing! Kathy Seal agrees. She writes that "...much hinges on your definition of 'involvement.' Does it mean going to parent-teacher conferences? Watching kids play soccer? Checking their homework? Helping with school fundraising? There are infinite ways to take part in a child’s life." None of these types of involvement cross the line into overparenting. Seal advises that "more subtle forms of involvement, including the encouragement of autonomy, produce superior achievement [and] may help parents resist [the] pressure to push and control their children."

The reality is that pressures and conditions exist to produce hyper-parenting, and there is a risk of falling back to the equally undesirable rebound condition of uninvolved-parenting. It seems the goal should be to achieve a balanced position of involvement in our children's lives. Kelly Herdrich puts it nicely: "Just be sure to watch from the passenger seat--don't offer to drive." This statement accurately reflects my own view of parenting. Some of you have heard me call myself Jack's tour guide. The way I see it, my job is to point out the bathrooms and emergency exits, and to help him find his way in the world.

Retrieved March 30, 2011 from http://www.myspace.com/silverbirch1959

February Poll Results: Do you take time for yourself each day?

Here are the results of our February Poll:

A. Does dressing and feeding myself count? (No!)
B. The bathroom door has a lock on it. That's as close as it gets. (Sounds like you could use a little more 'me' time.)
C. I try to find at least half an hour to read, sip some tea, or watch my favourite show. (Now we're getting somewhere!)
D. I get to do things I enjoy at least one to two hours each day. (You're livin' the dream!)

It's great to see that such a large number (88%) of us are making time for ourselves! Taking time for ourselves is important to our well-being. We need time to recharge, if we're going to do the best job we can, whatever our job is. Nowhere is "me" time more important than when you work at home. Whether you work outside of the home and then come home to work, or stay at home to work, finding time for yourself is tricky when there are constant demands on your time. Parents become aware of this challenge early on. We want the best for our kids, and our selves often suffer.

The trouble is, if we do not take time for ourselves - if we don't recharge our batteries - we have less energy available for our kids. We're not doing the most efficient job we can, if we're burned out. There's another problem too. Our children take their cues from us. If we don't make time for ourselves, then they won't learn to do so either. It's important for kids to learn that caring for others and being with others is healthy, and that caring for themselves is just as important.

Even a half hour per day spent solely on something you enjoy can be rejuvenating. If you're thinking, I have no time to make time for myself, you're not alone. But there are ways to find, borrow or steal extra time. When you do find this time, resist using it to 'get something done'. The laundry can wait, but your sanity can not!

Get up a half hour earlier. If your a parent, get up before the kids. Yes, some days that seems impossible. The little dears seem to sense our need for time to ourselves, and wake up earlier and earlier. Stay the course!

Take time as soon as the kids are in bed or your work is done for the day. If you have a tendency to work until you drop, set an end-of-day time limit, say 9:00, and stop working then.

Use the lunch hour at work if you work outside of the home, just a half hour of it. Take a walk, window shop, read a book in a sunny window, have lunch with a supportive friend, do what it takes to recharge.

If you have young children, use the first half hour of nap time to do something just for you. Use the rest of nap time to do the laundry. If your young children are at home with you and are no longer napping (sigh), try to maintain a quiet time every day and use part of this time to recharge.

Here are some "me-time" ideas to inspire you:

Take a warm bath or luxurious hot shower.

Do some writing, reading, painting, beading - whatever brings you joy or peace or whatever you call that "ahhh" feeling you get from being creative.

Go out with yourself. What have you always wanted to do that you can't convince hubby or other friends to do? Do it anyway!

Meet a friend for a coffee. 

Care to share your "me-time" ideas? How do you make time for yourself?