It's the first Friday in February, and you know what that means! Oh... you don't? Well, apparently, neither do I. It's supposed to be dress up day at Jack's preschool. Today is Western Wear day, aaaaaand Mama forgot. Mama has a good excuse: my computer died and took with it, it would seem, my brain. Ever since I lost my calendar, and despite my attempts to resurrect/recreate it, I have no idea where I am supposed to be at any point in time.
I'm at the library right now with my new laptop - which is finally, something like a month after the last one croaked, up and running - while Jack is at school sans Cowboy gear (sniff). Anywho... I'm back in the game - ish.
You see, it's not just the fact that I lost my computer, my files, my calendar and my brain that has me in a tizzy.
Last week, Jack and I had a conversation that I've been tormented by ever since. I wondered how long it would be before he started asking questions. I wondered if he would ever ask THE question. Answers? Yes, and approximately 4 years.
"Mom, I want a brother or a sister."
"Oh. Wow. Ah. Um. You do?"
"Yes, I really, really do."
"Hmm. I don't know if that will happen, Jack. Can you tell me why you want a brother or sister?"
"Because then I would have someone - not a mom or dad - someone to be with me always."
"What about your friends? Won't you always have your friends?"
"Yes, but they won't be WITH me ALL ways."
Oh boy. It's like the kid ripped the words from my brain. This is the one thing that has had me considering a second child all these years. It's a BAD idea for us, for multiple reasons, but for this one reason I haven't yet completely closed the door on child #2.
"Well, Jack, if I have another baby, I'll be very, very busy looking after your baby brother or sister."
"I can help! I'm very good at taking care of babies!"
It's true. He has several of his own 'babies' - stuffed animals - that he sings Rock-A-Bye baby to, comforts, and sleeps with.
"Well, I'll talk to your daddy about it Jack, but you need to know that there are a number of reasons why it may not happen. Remember when I told you that sometimes we parents get lucky and have a child when we want a child, and that sometimes it doesn't happen that easily? Daddy and I are also getting older and... We'll see, okay?"
Older?! We're officially OLD. When Jack is 20, I'll be 3 years older than my mom was when she passed away. It's definitely time. If it's going to happen it needs to happen pretty much now.
I lost my parents too soon. What if I'm not around for Jack when he enters adulthood? We're not surrounded by family here. Jack's cousins are all older than him and far away. I always told myself that his friends would be his family, but... Family is... family. You know?
Ack! My brain is going to explode. What happened to all of the time I had?
Sigh. Time waits for no mother!
Am I blue as the title of this post suggests? I guess a little. I really wanted to give Jack a sibling and so far it hasn't been in the cards.
Anyway, it's nice to connect with all of you again. I hope you are all enjoying 2012 so far. If you don't 'see' as much of me this year, well... you know where I will be. Pulling my grey hairs out!
If you do try to have a second child, you might not be around for either of them, right? I have to think of that and it dries the concrete around the idea. I remember wanting my parents to have another child, but I grew out of it. I'm grateful now for the life that they worked hard to birth me. It will be difficult, by my life is more important than the feelings of a child. Sue, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh! Please tell me if I'm wrong!
ReplyDeleteNo, Beth, it doesn't sound harsh, and I REALLY appreciate your honesty and your view. I know you're trying to help, and, frankly, I need help. Deciding to have child number one, given my health status and age, was hard enough. This decision is even harder. Thank-you! xo
ReplyDeleteWell I can certainly join you on the pulling grey hairs out ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks Christine! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, if I could, I'd keep having babies. I always joke if I had started having babies when I was younger I would have had 10.
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible spot you must be in though, if your health won't support your having another. I'm sorry, and I hope things work out for you.
Thanks Jen. It'll all work out over here. I have pretty well resigned myself to the no more babies decision.... just hard to call it final. We're extremely fortunate to have a happy, healthy Jack.
ReplyDelete